Sitting across from one another in my office chairs, Mary and Charlie’s bodies were tense, poised as if ready to pounce. After several months of volatile arguments, they came to my office feeling hopeless and frustrated, convinced that the love they once shared had been lost. Their constant fighting had placed them in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight, activating the amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for detecting threats. Every word, every gesture seemed like an offense, an attack meant to put the other down.
Yet, their presence in my office signaled a deeper desire—to find a way to communicate and reclaim the comfort and security they once found in each other’s love.
So when Charlie tentatively offered, “You do a good job handling the kids’ school and activities,” Mary rolled her eyes and shot back, “At least I’m taking care of things. You’re completely checked out.”
“I find that offensive,” Charlie retorted, his voice rising, escalating the intensity between them, revealing how their exchanges quickly end up in arguments.
From her reaction, it was clear she had taken his words as an affront. However, I heard something different. To me, Charlie’s words sounded authentic and appreciative. He was recognizing her efforts, not criticizing her. But Mary, locked in a defensive stance, perceived it as an insult rather than the intended compliment.
I intervened. “I think he meant that sincerely.”
She shook her head. “No. How could he?” Her tone remained combative.
Turning to Charlie, I checked in. “Charlie, did you mean that?”
He nodded, relieved to have his words recognized as sincere, grateful for the chance to be understood rather than misinterpreted. “Yes, absolutely. I truly appreciate how you handle picking schools, dealing with teachers, and managing all their activities. You do an exceptional job.”
For a moment, Mary hesitated. Then, as his words sank in, I saw her shoulders soften. A slight smile flickered across her face. Realizing he wasn’t attacking, she let the words marinate.
“I didn’t realize… I wouldn’t have responded that way if I had known,” she admitted. “If only there was a way we could clear these things up quickly before they escalate.”
Leaning in, I said, “Actually, there is. It’s called the Zero Negativity Challenge. It helps couples become aware of what they’re bringing into the relational space and, more importantly, offers a way to clarify misunderstandings before they spiral. Through a simple ‘redo,’ a hug, an apology, or checking in about intent, partners can prevent negativity from escalating.”
Together, Mary and Charlie came up with a code word: “Mango.” They agreed that if either of them felt hurt or put down, they would say the word. The other partner would then have the opportunity to rephrase their words, offer a hug, or clarify their intention. The offended partner could also model how they would prefer the message to be communicated, helping their partner understand a more constructive approach and reducing the likelihood of future triggers..
The following week, they walked into my office eager to share their progress. “It’s amazing,” Charlie said. “Just having this approach helped us clear things up much more quickly. We were able to get back on the same page.” Mary nodded in agreement. They reported that their connection had noticeably improved.
The Zero Negativity Pledge
Would you and your partner like to try the Zero Negativity Challenge? Here’s how:
This simple practice can shift your relationship from reactivity to connection. Give it a try—and watch your bond grow stronger.
You and your partner can also sign the Zero Negativity Pledge as a commitment to this practice. Download the Pledge here .