Perhaps it is because I’m a Scorpio, the astrological sign known to be very sexual, that I find myself teaching and writing about sex. Talking about sex is part of my job description as a couples counselor. Sex, from my perspective, is a powerful, energetic exchange that can fuel intimate relationships and take you to heighten levels of ecstasy. I am sex-positive and promote an accepting and open attitude about sex and sexuality in my life and in my work with couples.
I’m a certified kundalini yoga and meditation instructor in addition to being a licensed marriage and family therapist. In kundalini yoga, sexual energy is our life force energy; it is the energy of creation. After all, sex can create life itself. If our life force energy is damped or shamed, we cannot entirely express and experience our whole self. A vital part of ourselves is diminished. We might feel tired, drained, or uninspired. Our intimate relationships can also suffer because we do not show up fully. Desireless interactions cause us to feel unsatisfied with our connection.
When our intimate relationship is unfulfilling, we feel unhappy, disconnected, and lonely.
Yet, when we are in full alignment with our passionate selves, and our partner can join us in this state, we feel more energized and complete. Our relationship becomes more enriched and satisfying.
Unfortunately, negating or ignoring our sexual energy is all too familiar. There are many reasons why this could occur, such as trauma and disinformation. Talking to your partner about sex can be a meaningful way to reclaim your sexual self. Sex coach and researcher, Pam Costa, found that when women and men started talking about sex, they ended up having more sex.
It’s essential to create a safe environment when discussing sex with your partner.
First, set up a time to connect so you are not rushed and can focus your attention on each other. Be curious about what your partner is sharing rather than judgmental.
As an Imago therapist, I teach my couples a structured dialogue that promotes safety. Part of the process is to mirror or repeat what your partner communicates, enabling you to really hear one another.
Listening is seductive and a terrific starting point for creating a gratifying sex life.
An Imago therapist colleague, Sylvia Rosenfeld, created the following sentence stems to help couples start talking about sex. I recommend exploring these communication prompts with your partner to understand your relationship to sex better. Take turns answering and mirroring the responses.
A positive message I received about sex growing up is …
A negative message I received about sex growing up is …
A decision I made as a result of these messages was …
The way that this impacted my past sexual experiences was …
The way that this impacts my current sexual experience is …
A new message I can give myself is …
An action I can practice to reflect that new message is …
As I complete this process, what I experience is …
Talking about sex paves the way for deeper intimacy and helps us reconnect to our sexual energy, our life force energy. It enables us to live a more passionate, full, and authentic life. Communicating about sex lets you and your partner learn more about each other and yourself. It’s a skill that ensures greater sexual pleasure and a sustaining and stimulating sex life together.
Process One, Solutio
In this stage our similarities, more imagined than real, lull us into the trance of primordial union. You become me and I become you, but soon the loss of self will bring panic and resistance. When we see that each process gives way to a larger self, we begin to relax into curiosity. #carljung #sextherapy101 #relationshipsfirst #couplescounseling #sextherapy #imago #imagorelationshiptherapy #marriage #couples #couplestherapy #marriagetherapy #onlinetherapy #gettingtheloveyouwant
Resolution to Re-Vision Your Relationship
If you’ve ever wondered why so many New Years resolutions fail, you’re not alone. Part of the reason is doing it alone; the other part is futurizing. A goal is by definition something placed in the future. Therefore it never happens. Turning a goal into a vision, however, brings it into the present moment and stimulates new actions that create and support it. Also, fixing your mind on a goal requires willpower, which is a limited resource, quickly depleted. A vision, on the other hand, as anyone who practices guided mediation can tell you, refuels and replenishes the mind. A vision is a renewable source of energy.
Individual goals and aspirations are undoubtedly important, but why not utilize the most powerful resource you have: your partner. Our brain is, first and foremost, a social organ and functions optimally when in sync with another. Two logs burning on a fire generates more heat than one. So take each resolution, turn it into a relationship goal, and then envision it as if it were already true.
A conventional resolution such as I will lose five pounds has several problems. First the word will puts it perpetually out of reach. Second, the mind reacts strongly to the suggestion of losing anything, so you’ve instantly got an internal fight on your hands. Turn the I into a We, then turn the phrase “lose five pounds” into the action and benefit: We exercise regularly, enjoy healthy foods and fit into our favorite clothes.
When a couple can hold and express this sentence together, it becomes true almost effortlessly because they’ve tricked their brains into acting as if it were real now. It changes behavior.
A successful relationship, one that is inline with your dreams and ideals, requires a shared vision. This couples exercise was created by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. A vision is a roadmap. It provides direction and focuses your energy and efforts on a goal that you and your partner create together.
When Thea and I first met we talked a lot about relationships, and when I told her about the Relationship Vision, and she burst out: “I’ve always wanted to make a vision board with a boyfriend.” She knew exactly what I was talking about. A Relationship Vision is a visual representation of what you want, a picture of the life you want to build together, but made out of words.
When you see a picture in your mind’s eye, the visual cortex in the brain lights up. It then interprets that image as a command and sends signals to the hypothalamus to start producing hormones and other fuels to get your muscles moving in that direction.
What you see is what you will get. So create a clear picture of where you want to go with your relationship. If you see disaster ahead most likely you will encounter disaster, or make it. If you see a picture of happiness and bliss your brain and body will do all it can to make it so. What you look at is where the muscles in your body, where your decisions, will lead you.
Without a vision your relationship is easily distracted and aimless, you become vulnerable to frequent disagreements and misunderstandings. It seems as if you are constantly at odds with one another. This can be exhausting and demoralizing, making it difficult to get back on track and repair conflicts. Defining your vision turns your energy away from the past, away from frustration and toward the future you want to create. It is a vision of the whole that unifies all the parts of your relationship. It gives direction to each decision and shapes every action.
The first thing to do is make your individual desires explicit and clear. Your own personal dream of a deeply satisfying relationship. If you are single, do this step to clarify what you want, and who you want to be in a relationship. This will focus your dating energies and help you make decisions in finding a mate.
For example, We settle our differences peacefully. Rather than, We don’t fight. The “don’t” part of that sentence is struck out by the visual cortex because it is a grammatical construct and not an image. Saying We don’t fight is giving the command: Fight.
Include positive present tense statements that are already working within your relationship and qualities and activities you wish to add.
Once you have your own Vision, make an appointment to share it with your partner. Decide who goes first. While one of you reads the items, the listening partner mirrors and then says “Yes.” When you mirror your partner you repeat back what your partner said without adding any intonation. You want to keep your face relaxed. Mirroring is a mindfulness practice because you are really listening to what your partner is saying rather than thinking about your response.
You say “Yes“, in the spirit of open-mindedness and infinite possibility. You are not agreeing to a time frame or a logistical action.
A Vision is about Dreaming, first and foremost, not about practical reality, at least not yet.
Bring all the items together, working out redundancy and adding important detail. Some items will be similar; some will be different. Everything gets included in one way or another unless it expressly violates a core value. For example: We have an open relationship does not get included unless it is something you both want. If an item does not make it to the co-created Vision, it is used in a different process we can address at another time. It is important to recognize that your partner is different from you and that we grow by including parts of their world and desires into ours. A shared Vision synthesizes your separate dreams and desires. Once you have a co-created Relationship Vision make several copies and post them around your house, on the refrigerator, inside the medicine cabinet, on your phone. For 30 days read it together like a prayer, or a meditation. Turn this into a ritual.
In some ways, a Vision is a mission statement for your relationship. But a statement alone does not have enough energy to convert a dream into reality. Next, we want to walk you through how to ground each item so it becomes real. (download Grounding Your Vision Form)
As an example we are going to walk you through one of our Vision items: We create novel, exploratory dates.
Scheduling novelty dates is vital to keep the passion alive in your relationship. Studies show that doing new activities together stimulate the hormones that keep us attracted to our partner (read our previous article: What Grown-up Marriage Looks Like). How many innovative outings did you experience with your partner last year? Now is the time to set an intention to schedule fresh and fun experiences.
First, turn your Vision item into a goal: To keep the excitement and passion alive by having new experiences and learning about new places, faces, fashion, design!
Next, we articulate the objective or purpose of this goal: To activate each other’s dopamine and norepinephrine receptors, and get the testosterone flowing between us. To experience new places, people, and things, stimulating more conversational and possibility.
Then, add a time frame. Ours is: Monthly, Saturday nights!
Now, write down specific strategies and tactics: Contact Duane’s sister to babysit, start researching newspapers and media outlets for new places around town, such as restaurants, bars, museums, art shows, performances, theater, films, dance clubs, potential friends for double-dating. Plan route, itinerary. Get well rested beforehand. Prepare for spontaneity.
To further ground the vision it is important to engage all five senses. Tuning in to the five senses is also a mindfulness practice to stay present and in the moment. The problem with most relationships is the inability to get out of the past.
The first sense we engage is sight. What would this look like? I wrote: bright lights, Thea’s eyes, people walking, couples, color, sexy dresses, short skirts, menus, food, glasses filled with sparkling liquid, stars, moon, neon art, window shopping displays…
We grounded our vision under sound and included: music, live guitar, street musicians, singing, radio songs, background bass beat, voices, foreign languages, conversations, exclamations, greetings, traffic, horns, background noise…
Under smells, Thea included: wine, beer, roses, gardenias, jasmine, ocean, salt, night mist….
For the tactile sense of touch I wrote: holding Thea’s hand, warmth, moist, tongue, tight, skin of her leg, arms, shoulders, squeeze, hug, face, hair.
These sensory items can be anything that comes to mind, either literal or metaphoric associations. So make them as personal or idiosyncratic as you like.
Then we added the emotions experienced: exhilaration, thrill, surprise, arousal, delight, closeness, desire…satiation.
Next is the payoff, the consequence. What is the benefit of all this concentrated focus? For us, the payoff is: full aliveness, fresh conversations, the renewed vitality of romantic connection, new friends, new learning…
Then the progress report: How did it go? What would you change? What would you add? What would you delete? Overall we are doing pretty well: We could plan events better by scheduling earlier.
Lastly, revise the plan based on the progress report. Reaffirm, recommit, or amend the Vision or any part of the grounding process. For us, we need to keep it up and stay creative.
Your Relationship Vision is a living, evolving process, growing as your relationship grows. You and your partner will inevitably falter. This is your guide to realign your intentions.
By translating your goals into a vision and embedding that vision in your relationship you are fast-tracking your resolutions into reality.
In this 30 min. video Thea and I walk you through step by step one of the most transformative exercises you can do for your relationship by imagining it into the love affair of your dreams.
It was an idyllic afternoon in the small town of Idyllwild, California. The sunlight glistened from the pine needles and the birds were sweetly chirping as Tahquitz Peak stood proudly in the distance. My husband, our six year old daughter, and I were visiting his mother, whose health was in decline.
We were enjoying a family shopping trip to the local stores when it happened. We were all trying on hats when Duane asked how his looked. I was distracted and annoyed as my daughter was hanging on me and I flippantly responded. My callous, “It looks fine!” did not land well. Duane took issue and said he did not like my tone. My tone? His comment set me fuming. Our exchange became heated until his mother approached and told him how much she loved the hat. We silently stewed as we continued shopping, the irritation mounting inside each of us. His parents drove back to the house while we walked. This gave us the opportunity to let the other one have it and release all the fury that was bottling up. Impervious to the presence of our daughter we were each determined to prove the other wrong.
Relentlessly, we argued back and forth like we were trying to win a point in a tennis match. We returned to his parent’s house with no apparent winner and barely hid our anger behind pleasantries as we ate dinner with the grandparents. But under the polite remarks we were both plotting our next round.
This second round never materialized. Instead after dinner we retreated into a passive aggressive silence and we both went to bed disgruntled. The next morning was soured by the day before as we remained distant and aloof.
What happened? What went wrong? What could we have done differently to avoid this caustic collision?
The following are a few playbook tips to mend your breakdown fast.
1. Benefit of the doubt Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. After all, commitment is about putting your life in their hands, so you might as well believe their intentions are good. We all have off moments. Daily stresses and aches and pains can cause us to be insensitive or unable to be our most loving selves. This is why we need to give our partners a pass whenever possible. Studies have shown that idealizing your partner is beneficial to committed relationships. Most conflicts are the result of misunderstandings, or mis-read cues. We think we know what our partner is thinking but we don’t. Be curious instead of reactive. Get the facts before you attack. Resist your automatic impulses, wait, step back, take a breath and respond compassionately. Chances are if your partner is acting badly toward you they are probably in pain. In retrospect I could see that Duane had not yet come to terms with his mother’s rapid decline in health.
Whatever the argument might seem to be about, it’s aways a breakdown in the quality of the connection. Duane did not really care whether or not I liked the hat, what he did care about was that I dismissed him, and what I cared about was that he accused me. The argument was about the sudden loss of a positive connection, and we were both vulnerable to this because of the surrounding circumstances.
2. Repair quickly What distinguishes successful couples from those that break-up is the ability to repair swiftly. Hurt, injury, conflict are all normal, inevitable and necessary for growth within a relationship. The longer the connection is broken the harder it is to repair. The mind is a negative magnet and during the disconnect your partner is collecting every complaint that they have ever had of you, and re-constructing your identity. You don’t want to be mistaken for the person your partner creates in your absence. Projection can be a nasty thing and the best way to prevent it is to show up in a positive way.
3. Do the opposite A good rule of thumb is to identify what you typically do when conflict arises, and then do the opposite. If you usually withdraw, approach and stay present. If you tend to pursue your partner around the house or text them relentlessly, let it rest, step back and wait. Another example of doing the opposite is relaxing the facial muscles. This immediately sends your partner a non-verbal cue that they are safe. Doing the opposite will be difficult and perhaps feel impossible, but you will discover it is relationship game-changer.
4. Do not set the record straight It is important whenever conflict occurs NOT to set the record straight about what really happened. Neuroscientists have discovered that memory is unreliable. It is impossible to get an accurate account of what happened. Therefore because of the way the mind works, what happened is less important than what needs happen. No matter what your partner says or how they respond, do not defend or justify yourself. Do not expect your partner to take responsibility for their part. They will only see how they contributed to the problem after you have fully owned your own contribution.
5. Take Charge In our private practice we have noticed a common confusion around the idea of taking responsibility. Seeing your part in creating or maintaining the disconnection is equated with giving in and taking blame. We all have a fundamental aversion to being wrong. The fear of being wrong is second only to the fear of being bad, because when we were growing up accusations of either exposed us to the danger of disapproval, and therefore threatened our sense of safety. But as adults when we refuse to take responsibility in our relationships we actually diminish our personal power and constrict our range of freedom.
6. Shake off the mood The heavy sensation that lingers after we make-up is chemical. It results from the activation of the dorsal motor vagal complex. When our body is physically or emotionally injured the dorsal motor vagas floods the body with opiods and lowers our blood pressure causing us to feel deflated and withdrawn. It is an autonomic bodily protection response. However, to repair our relationship we need to shake off this stupor with laughter, silliness or sex. Even if it feels inauthentic, it is important to remember that it is nothing more than a chemical residue. Our true authenticity lies in our intention to reconnect, not in our moods.
What distinguishes successful couples is the ability to repair. How we handle the breakdown makes all the difference in the world. Don’t be discouraged by conflict. Whether disconnections are frequent or few and far between, they can deepen trust if you step into the repair mode promptly.
Please share with us your experience. We would love to hear from you!
Conscious Uncoupling and the Paradox of Conscious Commitment | HuffPost
Relationships do end, and it is important to stop viewing this as failure. The success or failure of a relationship should not be determined by it’s length, but by our ability to allow another human being into our heart and grow from the experience.HuffPost Article
Marriage: What No One Tells You
Your partner is a pain in the ass. You probably already know this, but what you may not know is that this is the way it is supposed to be. Sorry, it’s unavoidable. Everyone is difficult close up, even you. “But this is so unfair!” you might think. “My friends are easy.” Marry them and they won’t be. This is usually the first thing relationship experts Harville Hendrix and Stan Tatkin point out.
Commitment creates a unique environment with its own law of physics. What goes on in the rest of world doesn’t apply. Primary partners get close, very close, and this is the problem.
Of course, you didn’t realize this when you first met, and neither did they. You didn’t notice because you both were high on drugs. Your pituitary glands secreted love hormones and you fed off each other with high excitement and obsession. You have so much in common. You are so much alike. Everything is wonderful. But it doesn’t last. The hormones fade and what you are left with is a partner who knows exactly how to try your last nerve.
There are three reasons why your partner gets under your skin.
Close Proximity
The first has to do with shared space. You are more likely to bump into one another, more likely to step on each others toes, to get elbowed in the eye in the middle of night. But this isn’t just physical space, it’s psychological space. The fact that you’re actually very different people comes as a shock. We each have preferences, moods, rhythms, idiosyncrasies, to say nothing of bad habits. The very fact that you are different and locked in the same room provides plenty of opportunities to clash. You are on a space station together, you speak different languages and there is no gravity.
Dependency
The second reason has to do with a special kind of memory called implicit memory, the kind we don’t recall in the usual sense. The brain likes to pare down and simplify the past so it converts stories into automatic reactions. Another name for this is procedural memory. The vast majority of our brain architecture was formed before we had the verbal capacity to label and recall events, therefore a great deal of our experience cannot be accessed directly. Instead of recalling early events we act them out, or sink into the feelings they inspired.
The most important characteristic of these early years is that we were utterly dependent on someone. Problems always arise with one-sided dependency, even in the best of situations. These same problems resurface as implicit memory when we enter into a committed adult relationship. Like it or not, commitment is dependency and dependency is scary. And to complicate matters, we are taught from a very early age that dependency is bad. We live in a counter-dependent culture. Dependency is natural and necessary, yet we are shamed by it.
Growing Up
The third reason your partner is frustrating is because they perform the job we enlisted them to do — to help us finish growing up. Were your parents annoying? Same thing. We have to be told what to do or we won’t do it.
Your partner has the blueprint for your personal growth, but the very idea that someone knows us better than we know ourselves is inherently offensive. But it’s true. Partnering is two-way parenting. It is in a relationship that we learn and mature.
Here are three things you can do to turn things around:
Visualize
The part of the brain responsible for processing vision is called the occipital lobe. The strange thing is that the occipital lobe defers to the hippocampus, the seat of memory, to decipher what we see. This means that for the most part what we see is the past. The brain has an evolutionary bias toward the negative, so what we think we see isn’t good. We must compensate for this by consciously visualizing our partner in a positive light. Research has demonstrated that happy couples delude themselves about their partners qualities. Get delusional.
Appreciate
The next step is to take that positive visualization and express it. When your partner does something you like, tell them. Remember, this is in your best interest. If you don’t tell them they are likely to stop doing it. Tell them what you appreciate — often. The most radical way to implement this is to combine three fresh appreciations a day together with a commitment of zero negativity. No criticism. That means if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
Change
Commit to radically reducing your partner’s displeasure by eliminating one by one the things you do that frustrate them. Be curious as to what it’s actually like living with you. Exploring how your partner experiences you can be a real eye-opener. If you can swallow the idea that your partner holds the blueprint for your personal growth you will soon discover capacities and talents you didn’t know you had.
Practicing these three points is guaranteed to turn a pain in the ass partner back into the love of your life. And when they do annoy you, you won’t mind so much.
Tantra and Relationship Tips
He said, “She never wants to have sex. She’s always complaining she’s too tired. It’s frustrating being turned down all the time.”
She said, “All he wants is sex. I’m exhausted after work and taking care of the kids. He never pitches in enough and when we do it’s all about what he wants.”
As couples therapists, we hear that a lot. Sex is often the source of deep frustrations because our earliest injuries are often sexual and shaming. Creating a connection that is mutually satisfying is two-pronged: eliminate the negative and enhance the positive. Less pain, more pleasure. A simple truth most couples find difficult to practice. As a married couple, as well as therapists, we believe we have found a winning combination of methods for doing just that. The combined processes of Imago Relationship Therapy and Tantra not only bridge the intimacy gap, but can take a great romance to the next level. (click here to read more…) http://www.huffingtonpost.com/thea-and-duane-harvey/relationship-tips_b_3175724.html
How Couples Benefit From Sexual Fantasy | HuffPost
Read our simple five point suggestions on how to use your imagination to keep the flame alive.
Sex is an act of the imagination, and in committed romantic relationships imagination often is the first thing to wear out. Romance requires novelty and fantasy. The process of falling in love is the invention of the person we’re getting to know. There is always a bit of projection in romance. We take a few positive details and spin the rest in our minds. If we’re smart we never stop doing this. Here’s some tips to help re-cultivate the fantasy and re-circulate passion.