Sexual Fantasies in Couples Therapy: The Art of Encouraging Erotic Imagination

As adults, we tend to focus on managing our work schedules, running our homes, and caring for others. In the process, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut and lose our sense of fun and adventure, especially when it comes to sex. As every couples therapist knows, this rut has the potential to unravel our romantic relationships. Luckily, we don’t have to ditch our daily roles and responsibilities to reenergize our partnerships.

“Fantasy and friction make for a great sex life,” sexual health pioneer Helen Singer Kaplan famously said. But when therapists address couples’ sex lives, we sometimes overfocus on everyday realities—Who initiates sex? How often? Could you establish a date night? What do you need to feel receptive to one another? Are there underlying resentments we need to look at? These questions are worth discussing, but so is another, less talked about, more internal and creative source of erotic energy: partners’ sexual imaginations.

Through my own experiences as an Imago Relationship and AASECT-certified therapist, I’ve learned to explore sexual fantasies to unlock partners’ imaginations and help them cultivate intimacy. I’ve stumbled many times as a therapist navigating my clients’ sensitivities and misconceptions about sexual fantasies, which are often shrouded in guilt and shame—making them relational land mines. Each clinical gaffe I’ve made has helped me adjust my approach and work to understand my clients’ perspectives better, even as I seek new ways to transform potential land mines into sources of creativity and intimacy. This was the case with Juan and Estella, a distressed couple I saw recently, for whom sexual fantasy was a taboo subject.

Dreams We Have While Awake

The atmosphere in my Santa Monica therapy office sizzles with electricity—and not the good kind. Juan, a former Navy Seal in his mid-40s, sits across from his wife, Estella, a past beauty pageant winner, who currently works as a broadcaster on a local news channel. Like many couples, Juan and Estella sought counseling because they struggled to connect emotionally and physically. Juan’s recent erectile dysfunction had intensified their challenges. The physical closeness they’d once shared had become awkward, leaving them frustrated and bristly. This isn’t uncommon: once the romantic phase of a relationship ends, many couples struggle with desire.

Earlier in the session, we’d spoken about what their sex life had been like before Juan’s challenges keeping an erection. Juan had explained that he gets anxious right before he comes because he doesn’t want to fantasize about anyone other than Estella in those moments.

“It’s okay to have sexual fantasies about someone else,” I say nonchalantly.

“Wait, what? How can you say that?” Juan asserts emphatically, furrowing his brow. “That’s cheating!”

I notice that Estella reacts, too, frowning as her cheeks and neck redden.

“Are you saying Juan should think about other women while having sex with me?” Her voice is chilly. Despite her diminutive physical size, her presence is formidable, and my chest tightens. The truth is their reaction surprises me. I’ve never considered extradyadic fantasies as constituting unfaithfulness, but I can see that by inadvertently offending one of their relationship values, I’ve elicited defensiveness. But I’ve learned something, too. Is this part of what’s at the root of their sexual difficulties? Do Juan and Estella fear and misunderstand the nature of sexual fantasies, which can be a potent driver of desire and arousal?

“Estella made me promise to think only about her during sex,” Juan continues, his gaze shifting toward his wife. “So now I only think of her.”

“If Juan thinks about someone else during sex,” Estella interjects, with a mixture of sadness and anger, “it means I’m not enough.”

“First of all, your feelings and perspectives are valid,” I assure them both. “But thinking of someone other than your partner during sex isn’t just common: it’s natural. It doesn’t necessarily reflect a lack of commitment or desire in the relationship. Many people imagine others during foreplay or sex with their partner.”

“That’s a relief to hear,” Juan says. “I guess you’d know. Thing is, I become so preoccupied with the fear of thinking about someone else that I actually end up losing my erection with Estella. We both get frustrated and give up. And I feel like I’ve failed her.”

“When he loses his erection,” Estella says, “I can’t help but take it personally. I begin telling myself, ‘He no longer finds me attractive. If he did, he’d stay hard.’”

From the beginning of my work with any couple, I make a point of addressing sexuality directly. I want to convey my own comfort level discussing desire, the body, and arousal, to help them share their sex life openly with each other. Throughout my sessions with Juan and Estella, I gauge the level of their anxiety. Anxiety dampens sex drive and arousal. Hopefully our conversation serves as a bridge—a channel through which their unspoken fears and struggles can begin to surface, creating an opportunity for deeper understanding, connection, and pleasure.

“Juan, would you judge yourself for the dreams you have while sleeping?” I ask.

“Of course not,” he responds, looking puzzled. “I can’t really control my dreams.”

“Sexual fantasies are kind of like dreams we have while we’re awake,” I explain. “Often, they arise involuntarily, particularly during sex. Fantasies reside in the realm of imagination. Attempting to control this part of your psyche with judgment can stifle joy and pleasure. What if, instead of feeling threatened by fantasies, you were curious about them? What if you shared your fantasies with one another? Or even cultivated them together?”

“I don’t know.” Estella shifts backward in her chair and crosses her arms over her chest, forming a literal barricade against the conversation we’re having.

“His commitment and attraction center on you,” I say, hoping to reassure her that it’s okay to imagine and explore possibilities; her attachment to Juan is safe. But it’s clear she feels uneasy and skeptical. “You and Juan have chosen each other as lovers. Remember, many of the fantasies we have aren’t about things we plan to do in reality. Sexual fantasies don’t have to diminish your bond. What if they actually enhanced it by infusing your relationship with novelty and intimacy?”

I’m aware that I’m talking a lot, probably because I’m a little anxious myself, but something must have landed with Estella, because she uncrosses her arms and sighs.

“I’d like to feel more relaxed in bed,” Juan says. He scans Estella’s face, and exhales.

They both seem to be recalibrating and taking in what I’ve said. Many people need reassurance that there’s nothing wrong or abnormal about them simply because they have sexual fantasies. Learning that sexual fantasies are a healthy aspect of sexual functioning can help lower a couple’s anxiety.

“I’ll try my best not to worry so much about what you’re thinking,” Estella says.

“Here’s my recommendation,” I say. “Over the next week, would you be willing to set aside three minutes each day to cultivate a sexual fantasy about each other? Let it be naughty, kinky—whatever. Don’t judge it; just allow it to unfold in your imagination.” Read More

Savoring Sensuality: How Taste Elevates Your Sexual Experience

The sense of taste can be a powerful tool to enhance your sexual experience. By incorporating taste into your intimate moments, you can add an extra dimension of pleasure and sensory stimulation. Here are some further details on exploring the sense of taste during lovemaking:

1. Edible Treats: Incorporating edible treats into your sexual play can be fun and exciting. Consider using fruits like strawberries, grapes, or cherries, which can be sensually fed to your partner or used in creative ways. You can also try using edible body paints, honey, or chocolate syrup to explore different tastes and textures on your partner’s body.
2. Sensual Foods: Experiment with incorporating sensual foods into your lovemaking experience. Dark chocolate, known for its aphrodisiac properties, can be shared and savored together. Whipped cream or flavored oils can be delicately applied and licked off the body, creating an indulgent and erotic experience.
3. Flavored Products: There are various flavored products available specifically designed for sexual play. Flavored lubricants, for example, come in a wide range of flavors such as strawberry, chocolate, or exotic fruits. They can be applied to erogenous zones or used during oral stimulation to add a delicious taste to your intimate encounters.
4. Mindfulness: Another way to engage the sense of taste is by mindfully savoring each other’s kisses and exploring the taste of your partner’s skin. Take your time to kiss and lick different areas of the body, paying attention to the unique flavors and sensations. This can create a deeper connection and heighten your sensory experience.
5. Personal Preferences: It’s essential to consider personal preferences and any dietary restrictions or allergies when incorporating taste into your intimate moments. Please communicate with your partner about their likes, dislikes, and boundaries to ensure a comfortable and enjoyable experience for both of you.

Remember, the sense of taste is highly subjective, and what one person finds pleasurable may not be the same for another. Communication, consent, and exploration are key to discovering what works best for you and your partner, ensuring a more fulfilling and intimate experience. For added variety and playfulness in your intimacy, check out “Erotic Tasting Menu,” which can introduce exciting new ways to engage the sense of taste and elevate your sensual encounters.

The Love Freq Podcast Featuring Duane & Thea Harvey

Listen to Duane and Thea share their tips to create a secure, satisfying, and sexual relationship on The Love Freq Podcast.

Sex Store Date

What images come to mind when you think of a sex store? If you picture a dark, seedy shop, think again. Before we went into quarantine, my husband and I decided to mix things up by visiting our local sex store, Secret Desires. It turned out to be an informative and stimulating evening—ideal ingredients for a satisfying and connected relationship. Our excursion prompted conservations about what arouses us sexually. It was such a positive experience, I now recommend it to the couples I see in my practice.

As I entered, I was immediately struck by how the store catered to women. To the left of the entrance were shelves of cute, seductive, high-heeled shoes and racks of black, lacy stockings. Further in were silky lingerie and bright-colored bathing suits. I began to feel at ease, surrounded by these familiar objects. A preppy woman laughing caught my attention. She held what appeared to be a small, cardboard children’s book. When I glanced over her shoulder, I saw that it was a humorous adult parody called, “The Little Penis.” As I moved deeper into the store, I found couples games, oils, and incense. There was a whole bachelorette section of over-the-top frivolity and then a wall of vibrators that were pink and lavender and looked like candy. At the far corner were black leather whips and handcuffs marketed in a slick and sophisticated manner.

Secret Desires was not a shady sex store. The manager, Jason, explained, “The sex industry has changed a lot over the last few years. It caters much more to women and couples.”

Indeed it was entertaining to see all the creative objects on sale. My husband, Duane, and I were delighted to see many products that brought up animated conversations.

Duane and I are both licensed marriage and family therapists. We specialize in working with couples and are comfortable talking about sex with each other and our clients. Many of our couples suffer from a lack of sexual desire. In an earlier blog piece, I explain how talking about sex can lead couples to have more sex. Visiting a sex store can be a fruitful conversation starter as you learn more about each other’s preferences, fantasies, and erogenous zones. Also, adding novelty is a crucial component in keeping marriages and long-term relationships fresh and exciting. Entering a sex store can offer something new.

When exploring, it is essential to refrain from criticizing, blaming, or shaming. Even sarcasm can be misinterpreted as an insult or an affront, killing the mood immediately. Be curious and have a “yes, and” mindset. Putting this into action can be as simple as being open to listen and perhaps experiment the next time your partner proposes trying something new. If you are uncomfortable with a suggestion, offer another possibility instead. Allow your shopping experience to inform your erotic tasting menu. Learn more about the erotic tasting menu in my previous blog.

Upon my recommendation, one of my client couples ventured into Secret Desires. The husband had undergone several surgeries making conventional sex impossible. Their lack of intimacy was taking a toll on their connection. With the salesperson’s help, they discovered tantalizing alternatives to turn up the heat in the bedroom.

In another couple, the wife suffered from vaginismus. For many years, they did not have sex or even talk about her diagnosis. A rift emerged between them, and they came to me for help. As part of their treatment, I prescribed Secret Desires. They found a vaginal dilator set that helped them rediscover sexual intimacy again.

Every couple is unique in their sexual history, preferences, and desires. No two couples are alike. Also, couples change throughout their relationship, which means their sex life changes too. It’s important to know you don’t need to feel stuck in your sex life. Options and help are available to bring back the spark in your relationship. Please reach out to Duane or myself if you are not making headway on your own.

If you don’t feel comfortable going to a store, investigate a store online together. Some favorites are Cupid’s Closet, Adam & Eve, and Lovehoney. As a precursor to your sex shop date, share this article with your partner. The most important thing is to have fun as you explore together.

Erotic Tasting Menu

Most couples talk more about what they are going to eat for dinner than their sex lives—causing them to get stuck in the same routine and never ask for what they want or explore what they desire. Eating the same dish can be dissatisfying over time. Lack of communication frequently is what drives couples apart. In an earlier blog piece, I encouraged couples to start talking about sex to have more sex. In this blog post, I teach you how to prepare an erotic menu, starting with arousing appetizers and ending with orgasmic deserts. An erotic menu is a checklist of what stimulates you and your partner.

First, decide where you want to have sex. The bedroom is an obvious choice, but you are certainly not limited to only the bedroom! Organize your chosen space to awaken your desires. One client decided to remove family photos and piles of clothes and papers from her bedroom. In doing so, she felt less burdened, and it was easier for her to connect to her sexual self. Her creativity opened up, and she bought new bedding and pillows that felt silky to touch. She muted the lighting by covering lamp lights with colorful scarves forming soft hues. In stylizing her environment, she became more sexually empowered by tapping into and implementing what brought her pleasure.

Music can be very erotic and help to create a sensual space. Does music cultivate your sensuality? If so, what type of music? How about for your partner? Play spa music if you have never incorporated sound as part of your sexual diet.

As you begin to put together your erotic menu, ask yourself, what turns you on? What makes for an ideal sexual experience for yourself and your partner?

As you think about what stimulates you, explore what activates your five senses. Your sense of taste, touch, smell, hearing, and sight bring you into your bodies. The more we can tap into our bodies, the more we can experience heightened desire and enjoyment. For example, music piques your sense of hearing. A romantic dinner awakens your sense of taste, a classic prelude to an intimate evening. Food also entices pleasureful emotions. Perhaps, feed each other chocolates. Or experiment with Honey Dust, a kissable body powder.

Lingerie can capture your sense of sight, and the fabric can stimulate your sense of touch. Burning scented candles evokes your sense of sight and smell. The warm light eases the mood, and the fragrance rouses your olfactory system. Throughout history, essential oils were used as natural love potions. Discover for yourself if certain smells boost you and your partner’s libido. Try oils like rose, lavender, clary sage, and ylang ylang.

Another favorite starter is practicing one of our Pleasure Meditations for Couples. Pleasure Meditations for Couples are a series of guided meditations for couples that focus on exploring your sense of touch. The meditations are designed to safely bring you and your partner into the sensations of your bodies and increase your capacity for pleasure. We also offer a series of Embodied Couples Practices that are a mixture of Thai yoga massage and couples yoga to help you and your partner unwind. The practices enable you to bond with one another while releasing layers of stress and transitioning into an erotic space.

Another way to augment pleasureful sensations in the body is by using cannabis. Similar to essential oils, for centuries, cannabis was used as a natural aphrodisiac. Now legal in many states, marijuana might be an effective way for you and your partner to relax and enjoy sexy time together. Many of the healing properties of the plant make it a potent remedy for arousal. There are several cannabis-infused products on the market. An erotic starter, maybe you and your partner researching which products to explore.

The entree of your erotic tasting menu might be sexual intercourse. Although, other options to consider are lying naked together, oral sex, or sex toy play. Sometimes your partner might have had an injury or is unable to have sexual intercourse. Don’t let this prohibit you from being intimate. You can expand your entree repertoire to satisfy your sex drive. Another titillating option if intercourse is not on the menu is masturbating and reaching an orgasmic release under your partner’s gaze.

No need to say no to dessert; dessert may consist of multiple orgasms! Or, more common, one partner peaks before the other. You and your partner can discuss beforehand how to navigate such situations. For instance, the partner that hasn’t yet orgasmed can continue to be stimulated by using fingers, hands, or sex toys. At other times, one of you may decide not to climax and build up the sexual energy for a midnight snack. Discuss how you want to end your erotic adventure, so the experience is satisfying for both of you.

To tempt your appetite, I included a sample erotic menu below. These are only a few ideas and suggestions. There are many more; I’d love for you to share some of your personal favorites with me. It is perfectly normal for you and your partner to desire different things. Look for where there are similarities and discover what you are both willing to try. When you are sharing your preferences, reframe from being judgmental, criticizing, or shaming. These are immediate turn-offs and will quickly extinguish a sexual mood. Rather be curious, generous, and willing. Like, dining at the finest restaurant indulge.

The Lost Art of the Handjob

It is common for partners in a relationship to experience varying levels of sexual desire. Asynchronous sexual desire can create stress and conflict within couples. As a sex therapist and a certified Imago Relationship therapist, I help couples work through their differences. One way is for couples to broaden the definition of sex to incorporate a profusion of sexual delights beyond sexual intercourse. You can read more about how to do that here. As romantic partners expand their definition of sex, they discover or rediscover pleasurable ways to be intimate. Handjobs are an example of how couples can enjoy sexy time together without having intercourse. The following are some hand sex tips taught by Amy Jo Goddard to send your partner into another stratosphere of pleasance. By couples adding to their erotic repertoire, physical intimacy can be a time of play and safe exploration.

Often, Handjobs are thought of as a teenage alternative to sex. They are overlooked or rushed over, viewed as a precursor to sex rather than the main event. In actuality, handjobs are a fabulous substitute for sexual intercourse. Giving the penis focused attention, your partner can reach heightened and sustained levels of arousal, and you don’t even have to get undressed. Rather than sidelining the handjob, incorporate it more frequently and rock your partner’s world.

Deeply connecting experience The name handjob is derogatory, making the act sound like work and devoid of pleasure. Instead, the term hand sex is more appropriate. After all, it is an honor to hold another person’s genitalia in your hands. In many ways, it is the most vulnerable part of the body. Hold your partner’s member in reverence. Make your sexual time together sacred. Bring your awareness to the moment, and marvel at the specialness of being together. View it as a loving, moving meditation. Your partner will feel the difference when you carry this intention of worship. He will be delighted that you are prioritizing his pleasure. Make hand sex the focal point and take penetration off the agenda.

Prepare the space Create a safe environment so you can express your sexual selves. If you have children, lock your bedroom door. Close the drapes, adjust the lighting, play music that carries you into an erotic zone. Set up blankets and pillows, be warm. Luxuriate in the moment and be physically at ease. Be mindful of jewelry or jagged nails that might irritate or snag your partner’s delicate skin.

You both want to be relaxed and comfortable. Experiment with the Reclining Diamond, the signature position of sex educator Ashley Manta. Start by sitting in front of each other on the bed. Extend your legs out, forming a V shape. Place his legs on top of your thighs. Allow him to lie back fully relaxed. He might want to have a pillow for his head. Rest your forearms on his thighs, allowing both hands to move freely. Your hands can then touch the whole body, particularly accessing the penis, shaft, balls, perineum, and anus.

In this position, it is easy to make eye contact with your partner. Eye contact increases connection. You can also look for non-verbal cues, watching the rise and fall of his breath as it changes. If his breath is still, you can encourage him to breathe and drop into the body’s sensations even more.

Inquire It is important to check in with your partner to learn about their preferences. See if he is enjoying what you are doing. Ask if the pressure is too hard or soft and if the speed is okay. Would they prefer you to slow down or quicken your movement? When your partner tells you their preferences respond by saying, “Thank you so much for telling me what you like.” Your partner’s feedback is not a criticism but valuable feedback that will facilitate greater intimacy. Your partner knows his body better than anyone else.

Let’s begin Get affirmation from your partner that he is ready. Begin by establishing a physical connection. Move your hands up his thighs. Start with broad strokes. Warm your partner up and tease and excite him with what is going to happen. Massaging the muscles around the groin area allows for greater blood flow and stimulation of the genitals. Build anticipation.

Have plenty of lube on hand. The amount of lube you use depends on your partner’s desire. Without lube, dry skin causes unpleasant friction and irritation. Cover the penis with an abundance of lube.

Corona Ridge The corona ridge is the rim around the crown of the penis. It’s the rounded circumference separating the head from the shaft. Take your time and slowly roll your finger or fingers along the ridge. Trace and retrace the rim with your finger. Allow your finger to glide easily on his slippery flesh. Ask if he is enjoying your touch.

V Massaging the Frenulum At the head of the penis, a triangle forms at the ridge called the frenulum. Within the triangle is considered the most sensitive area of the penis. It is highly reactive to the slightest touch. Curl your fingers into your palms, making fists with the thumbs out. Bring the fists and thumbs together. Move the thumbs outward in small circles, rotating in opposite directions, massaging the glans. Linger, generously stimulating this erogenous zone.

Use the same thumb massaging motion along the underside of the shaft. There are tissues the length of the penis that becomes engorged with blood when aroused. It can feel phenomenal to massage the whole area. Every man is different, so seductively inquire if stimulating the nerve endings on the shaft is enticing. Ask if they are enjoying the pressure and tempo of the motion. Does he like it faster or slower?

Cupping Gently hold the balls and the penis in your hand by cupping the genitals. Move the hand in an upward motion, eventually releasing the testicles and gliding the hand up the shaft. Repeat the motion. Holding and cupping the genitals and then moving your hand upward, arousing the thousands of nerves within the balls, shaft, and crown.

Open Palm Slide Glide your open palm up the right side of the shaft, rounding over the tip of the penis and back down the left side. Stroke the penis up the left side, sliding over the tip and down the right side. Slide your hand vigorously up and down the shaft.

Pepper Grinder Grasp your well-lubed hands around his penis, stacked one on top of the other. Twist your clasped hands in opposite directions. Create a pleasing rhythm, massaging the base of the penis and the tip. Using two hands can help you vary strength and speed, and it can be an excellent way to change things up. Play with twisting the hands up and down the penis, again twisting in opposite directions. Discover what your partner gets turned on by most. Check-in and see if you can adjust your intensity and grip to satisfy your partner even more.

Soft On The penis does not have to be hard to receive pleasure. If the penis is not erect, it’s not a problem. Release the pressure to always have an erect penis. A soft penis is no reflection of the giver’s hand sex skills or attractiveness. There are several reasons why an erection might not occur. Lack of sleep, stress, or medication, to name a few. A soft penis still has the same amount of nerve endings as erected only in a smaller space. A loosely handled penis can experience even more pleasant sensations. An erect penis isn’t required to experience an orgasm. So enjoy flaccid fun.

Schedule an unforgettable, erotic evening with your partner and wow him with these techniques. Don’t be fooled by their straightforward and uncomplicated nature. They are very potent in eliciting pleasure. Move beyond the confines of sexual intercourse and add an exciting and dynamic dimension to your lovemaking. Sex can include a wider variety of experiences. Couples become empowered by learning new skills and approaching intimacy in a new way. Many times, couples need more assistance in navigating their differences in sexual desire. If you and your partner want to reimagine your sex life, I can work with you privately. Call or email me to set up an appointment.

Redefine Sex

Sex can be boring. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines sexual intercourse as “heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis.” Woefully this definition negates the multiple variations and dimensions of sex. It’s like narrowing down the world’s cuisines to the hotdog. What if you don’t like hotdogs? Or your partner doesn’t enjoy hotdogs? Maybe you enjoy hotdogs, but you are sick of eating them every weekend.

The definition doesn’t do sex justice. Consequently, many of us think of sex in a limited way. These limitations can impact our intimate relationships. By redefining the definition of sex, you and your partner can enjoy a cornucopia of sexual delights. In doing so, you can feed your relationship.

As there are an infinite amount of dishes from around the world, so is the vastness of erotica. An erect penis isn’t mandatory to achieve satisfying sex. According to sex expert Dr. Barry McCarthy, couples who believe sex=intercourse experience less sexual intercourse and less touch. Oral sex, genital caressing, vibrator stimulation, erotic talk, and fantasies are all part of lovemaking. Erotic scenarios and techniques add flavor and excitement. Individual sex preferences and styles are as unique as fingerprints. Sex is personal.

Tantra views sex as a vehicle to reach enlightenment. Accordingly, through sex, you can experience god. An ancient practice, tantra, demonstrates the multidimensional nature of copulating. Sex is an energetic exchange rather than merely an act of anatomy. Sex is spiritual.

The World Health Organization says, ”Sexual health is fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals, … when viewed affirmatively, requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence.”

There is nothing more unsexy than coercive sex. Being forced to have sex is not sex. That’s rape. Sex is consensual. Healthy sex involves desire, non-demand pleasuring, and positive, realistic expectations.

Often we learn about sex from television, advertising, and pornography. Paid actors and actresses inform our sexual experiences. We can get hung up on what sex is “suppose” to look like and discount what feels pleasurable in our bodies—changing sex into a performance rather than a profoundly intimate connection.

Instead, develop your own meaning of sex with your partner. By broadening the definition, you can alleviate the need to perform or the idea that sex needs to be a certain way. You can abandon the idea that sex is only successful if it ends with an orgasm. Rather sex can be a celebration and exploration of sensuality and connection that perhaps ends with an orgasm and sometimes not.

A common obstacle to pleasure is the pressure men feel to always have an erection. Fingers and vibrators can be equally effective and just as stimulating. In his late fifties, a male client avoided intimacy with his wife because his penis sometimes became flaccid during lovemaking. Not uncommon for men, he nonetheless felt overcome by shame. He viewed sex as an erect penis penetrating a vagina. To avoid feeling like a failure, he evaded intimacy with his wife entirely. He stopped hugging, holding hands, and kissing. Consequently, she felt less desired and more dissatisfied. The physical distance created emotional distance too.

Through couples therapy, the male client learned that sex could involve an erect penis or not. His shame dissipated, freed from a restrictive idea of sex. He felt liberated to enjoy pleasure in a new way and released his narrow and performance-dominated view of sex. Instead, he started touching his wife more, hugging and kissing. They renewed their intimacy, and his wife felt desired again. He felt empowered that he could give his wife pleasure — and feel pleasure — with or without a hard penis.

Sex can mean different things culturally as well. Your race, gender, religion, and economic status influence your perception of sex. Queer sex may not involve penetration at all.

Create your own sexy language. Learn and experiment with your partner. Take time, don’t rush. Just like trying a new restaurant, cultivate curiosity and novelty. For inspiration, check out my earlier blog posts, Entince Your Sexual Appetite with an Erotic Tasting Menu, Making Time for Sex, and Sex Store Date. Hand sex is a fantastic option when intercourse is off the table, or you want to spice things up.

Sex is playful. It is an act of giving and receiving. Don’t limit yourself. Expand your erotic palette. Adopt a new definition of sex that is expansive and includes all the senses. Create a flexible and variable sexual repertoire that goes beyond intercourse. Explore new dishes with your partner. Allow your definition of sex to evolve and change throughout your life.

SHOUTOUT LA Interview

Check out our interview with SHOUTOUT LA.

Start Talking About Sex to Have More Sex

Perhaps it is because I’m a Scorpio, the astrological sign known to be very sexual, that I find myself teaching and writing about sex. Talking about sex is part of my job description as a couples counselor. Sex, from my perspective, is a powerful, energetic exchange that can fuel intimate relationships and take you to heighten levels of ecstasy. I am sex-positive and promote an accepting and open attitude about sex and sexuality in my life and in my work with couples.

I’m a certified kundalini yoga and meditation instructor in addition to being a licensed marriage and family therapist. In kundalini yoga, sexual energy is our life force energy; it is the energy of creation. After all, sex can create life itself. If our life force energy is damped or shamed, we cannot entirely express and experience our whole self. A vital part of ourselves is diminished. We might feel tired, drained, or uninspired. Our intimate relationships can also suffer because we do not show up fully. Desireless interactions cause us to feel unsatisfied with our connection.

When our intimate relationship is unfulfilling, we feel unhappy, disconnected, and lonely.

Yet, when we are in full alignment with our passionate selves, and our partner can join us in this state, we feel more energized and complete. Our relationship becomes more enriched and satisfying.

Unfortunately, negating or ignoring our sexual energy is all too familiar. There are many reasons why this could occur, such as trauma and disinformation. Talking to your partner about sex can be a meaningful way to reclaim your sexual self. Sex coach and researcher, Pam Costa, found that when women and men started talking about sex, they ended up having more sex.

It’s essential to create a safe environment when discussing sex with your partner.

First, set up a time to connect so you are not rushed and can focus your attention on each other. Be curious about what your partner is sharing rather than judgmental.

As an Imago therapist, I teach my couples a structured dialogue that promotes safety. Part of the process is to mirror or repeat what your partner communicates, enabling you to really hear one another.

Listening is seductive and a terrific starting point for creating a gratifying sex life.

An Imago therapist colleague, Sylvia Rosenfeld, created the following sentence stems to help couples start talking about sex. I recommend exploring these communication prompts with your partner to understand your relationship to sex better. Take turns answering and mirroring the responses.

A positive message I received about sex growing up is …

A negative message I received about sex growing up is …

A decision I made as a result of these messages was …

The way that this impacted my past sexual experiences was …

The way that this impacts my current sexual experience is …

A new message I can give myself is …

An action I can practice to reflect that new message is …

As I complete this process, what I experience is …

Talking about sex paves the way for deeper intimacy and helps us reconnect to our sexual energy, our life force energy. It enables us to live a more passionate, full, and authentic life. Communicating about sex lets you and your partner learn more about each other and yourself. It’s a skill that ensures greater sexual pleasure and a sustaining and stimulating sex life together.

Process One, Solutio

In this stage our similarities, more imagined than real, lull us into the trance of primordial union. You become me and I become you, but soon the loss of self will bring panic and resistance. When we see that each process gives way to a larger self, we begin to relax into curiosity. #carljung #sextherapy101 #relationshipsfirst #couplescounseling #sextherapy #imago #imagorelationshiptherapy #marriage #couples #couplestherapy #marriagetherapy #onlinetherapy #gettingtheloveyouwant