The Zero Negativity Challenge: A Path to Connection
Sitting across from one another in my office chairs, Mary and Charlie’s bodies were tense, poised as if ready to pounce. After several months of volatile arguments, they came to my office feeling hopeless and frustrated, convinced that the love they once shared had been lost. Their constant fighting had placed them in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight, activating the amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for detecting threats. Every word, every gesture seemed like an offense, an attack meant to put the other down.
Yet, their presence in my office signaled a deeper desire—to find a way to communicate and reclaim the comfort and security they once found in each other’s love.
So when Charlie tentatively offered, “You do a good job handling the kids’ school and activities,” Mary rolled her eyes and shot back, “At least I’m taking care of things. You’re completely checked out.”
“I find that offensive,” Charlie retorted, his voice rising, escalating the intensity between them, revealing how their exchanges quickly end up in arguments.
From her reaction, it was clear she had taken his words as an affront. However, I heard something different. To me, Charlie’s words sounded authentic and appreciative. He was recognizing her efforts, not criticizing her. But Mary, locked in a defensive stance, perceived it as an insult rather than the intended compliment.
I intervened. “I think he meant that sincerely.”
She shook her head. “No. How could he?” Her tone remained combative.
Turning to Charlie, I checked in. “Charlie, did you mean that?”
He nodded, relieved to have his words recognized as sincere, grateful for the chance to be understood rather than misinterpreted. “Yes, absolutely. I truly appreciate how you handle picking schools, dealing with teachers, and managing all their activities. You do an exceptional job.”
For a moment, Mary hesitated. Then, as his words sank in, I saw her shoulders soften. A slight smile flickered across her face. Realizing he wasn’t attacking, she let the words marinate.
“I didn’t realize… I wouldn’t have responded that way if I had known,” she admitted. “If only there was a way we could clear these things up quickly before they escalate.”
Leaning in, I said, “Actually, there is. It’s called the Zero Negativity Challenge. It helps couples become aware of what they’re bringing into the relational space and, more importantly, offers a way to clarify misunderstandings before they spiral. Through a simple ‘redo,’ a hug, an apology, or checking in about intent, partners can prevent negativity from escalating.”
Together, Mary and Charlie came up with a code word: “Mango.” They agreed that if either of them felt hurt or put down, they would say the word. The other partner would then have the opportunity to rephrase their words, offer a hug, or clarify their intention. The offended partner could also model how they would prefer the message to be communicated, helping their partner understand a more constructive approach and reducing the likelihood of future triggers..
The following week, they walked into my office eager to share their progress. “It’s amazing,” Charlie said. “Just having this approach helped us clear things up much more quickly. We were able to get back on the same page.” Mary nodded in agreement. They reported that their connection had noticeably improved.
The Zero Negativity Pledge
Would you and your partner like to try the Zero Negativity Challenge? Here’s how:
Commit to Zero Negativity – Agree to be mindful of your words and tone. If negativity creeps in, use your code word to reset.
Create a Code Word – Choose a neutral, playful word like “Mango” to use when one of you feels hurt or misunderstood.
Clarify and Repair – When the code word is used, offer a redo, a hug, an apology, or clarify what you meant.
Daily Check-Ins – At the end of each day, reflect together: Did we maintain zero negativity today? Celebrate good days with a happy face. On difficult days, explore what threw you off and commit to trying again tomorrow.
This simple practice can shift your relationship from reactivity to connection. Give it a try—and watch your bond grow stronger.
You and your partner can also sign the Zero Negativity Pledge as a commitment to this practice. Download the Pledge here .
WEDDING PRESENCE
MINDFULNESS IS THE LATEST WELLNESS BUZZWORD TO GO MAINSTREAM. KARI MOLVAR EXPLAINS HOW STAYING IN THE MOMENT CAN KEEP YOU RELAXED AND HAPPY WHILE PLANNING, ON THE BIG DAY—AND IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Paula Mallis clearly remembers her wedding day: The Los Angeles–based doula planned it in six months, dealt with intense opinions from family members (including a mother-in-law “with big feelings,” she says), and then, on the day itself, watched as the skies opened and it poured on her cli side gathering in Big Sur. “The umbrellas went to shit,” she says. “We ended up in one room with everyone sitting on the oor, soaking wet.” There in the room, Mallis broke out in tears—not the sad, why-me? kind but the happy-smiling-love kind. “Every- one was laughing, and everything was how my husband and I wanted it,” she says. Despite the downpour, they still had the amazing, crazy, fun day they’d wanted. Not everyone would laugh in the face of such stress, but Mallis had prepared herself. Her secret power? Being mindful, setting intentions, and upping her meditation practice during her engagement. “Weddings involve so much pres- sure and anxiety,” she says. Mindfulness helped her stay “calm, centered, and present.” To say mindfulness has caught on is an under- statement. At its most basic, “mindfulness is the act of bringing your full attention to the present moment,” says Ellie Burrows, founder of MNDFL, a meditation studio in New York. Granted, this isn’t exactly new: Mindfulness is rooted in Buddhist and Taoist practices that PHOTOGRAPHS BY COREY TOWERS BRIDES.COM date back thousands of years. Burrows says it’s about quieting your brain so it’s not constantly pinging with thoughts of the past or worries about the future. “If, for example, you’re talking with your ancé, then you are engaged in listen- ing.” That means putting the mute button on interruptions “about your to-do list, the next thing on your calendar, or checking your phone.” By not being at the mercy of a roving brain— or the incessant alerts from your phone, feeds, and followings—you’ll make better decisions, have more control over emotions and reactions, and forge stronger bonds with loved ones. If that sounds radically simple, it is. “Mindful- ness isn’t new; it’s just more talked about now,” says Khajak Keledjian, the founder of InScape meditation studio in New York City. The rise is tied to our recent obsession with various self- care practices—from crystal healing to sound baths—that have gone from mystical to main- stream. We’re craving what Suze Yalof Schwartz calls “solstice,” a kind of primal balance. Schwartz, founder of the UnPlug Meditation studio in L.A., says, “Our culture is plugged in 24/7. But we need silence and self-connection so we can be more creative, happier, and healthier,” she says. “Just as we recharge our phones, we need to recharge ourselves.” A mounting stack of research backs up the ben- e ts: Meditating can decrease anxiety-related CALLIGRAPHY BY HANDMADE LETTERS OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2017 247 MANTRA COURTESY OF CHRISTINE D’ERCOLE
cortisol levels, increase emotional intelligence, and sharpen mental focus. In fact, according to the National Business Group on Health, 22 per- cent of U.S. companies (like Apple and Nike) now o er mindfulness perks to employees. As Burrows says, “It’s no longer just monks in robes telling you that mindfulness is good. It’s your doctor, boss, or friends. Our lives can be quite chaotic, and mindfulness can help anchor us.” And there’s nothing like planning a wedding to throw your life into chaos. “The money, the relatives, the expectations—both personal and external—all contribute to serious stress,” says Schwartz. “I wish I’d meditated on my own wedding day. I was not really present.” Taking a beat to breathe helps you “build resilience in your brain so that you’re able to stop stress as it comes your way,” says Schwartz. It also lets you absorb all the happiness around you— so the day doesn’t speed by in a blur. A mindfulness practice can take many forms, says Mallis, who launched WMN Space, an all- woman wellness hub in L.A.—and can help you MINDFULNESS IS THE ENEMY OF MULTITASKING— THE DEFAULT MODE FOR SO MANY BRIDES-TO-BE. tap into your inner power as you navigate through the planning to the happily-ever-after part. First, take a breath—and read on. PLAN WITH PURPOSE Meditation is often the easiest gateway to mind- fulness, but if you’re new to it, start small. “Try meditating in the morning for 15 minutes. This way, you start your day centered, calm, and clear,” says Keledjian, who also recommends nding a consistent spot where you’re used to the sounds and sensory factors. “Fewer distrac- tions makes it easier to stay focused and present.” Meditation is simply a form of contemplation. InScape’s weekly Focus33 guided meditation class is just 33 minutes, takes place in a cocoon- like space lit with purple tones, and is popular with brides-to-be like writer Kate Erickson. A teacher leads the class through a series of breathing exercises. “I kind of felt like I was nodding o , and when it was over I really felt as if I had been transported—like when you’re get- ting a facial and dozing but really loving it,” Erickson says. Her goal was to “calm my thoughts for a bit. I expected to love wedding planning, but I nd it completely overwhelming.” What she’s picked up in class serves her well beyond the con nes of the purple cocoon: When presented with sorting out hundreds of reception-related details, “taking a moment to focus on my breath has saved me from many planning-related freak- outs.” (If you can’t make it to a class, apps like Headspace and Insight Timer o er guided medi- tations of varying durations.) Mindfulness is the enemy of multitasking, the default mode for so many brides-to-be. “Multitasking often means you’re doing many things at once in a shallow sense,” says Keled- jian. If you concentrate on one project at time, he says, “you’ll actually be more e cient. It’s about focusing your attention narrow and deep versus wide and shallow.” Chances are, you’ll immediately notice a mental shift: “What would it feel like if I talked to my wedding planner and wasn’t looking at a screen or driving or walking anywhere?” Burrows asks. “I would be more present for that conversation and make more thoughtful responses.” If you still nd yourself getting anxious while planning (and taking it out on everyone), Bur- rows recommends “intention setting,” which is when you purposefully try to cultivate a quality, like patience or openheartedness. Find a quiet spot and write down your goal—literally, “I want to be more patient.” (Think of it as a to-do list for your soul…and mood). Then start recogniz- ing opportunities to ex that emotional muscle. For brides who need a little extra coaching in the calm-yourself department, Padma Shankar Coram, a wellness coach at the Grace Belgravia spa in London (where Pippa Middleton is rumored to be a client), recommends EFT—or emotional freedom techniques. The alternative therapy is part of the spa’s wellness boot camp for brides and involves tapping on the body’s meridian points to release negative energy. This, coupled with visual-guided meditation (in which you imagine your desired outcome actually happening), “helps remove jitters regarding the big day,” Coram says. To nd an EFT class or practitioner in your area, check out the directory at thetappingsolution.com. Your bridesmaids can get in on the mindful vibes too, says Mallis, who hosts “blessing circles” over bachelorette weekends. “I led one where everyone wrote their wishes for the bride’s mar- riage. They wished for things like understanding, communication, and great sex,” says Mallis, who was surprised by how open the group was to what many consider a hippie-dippie activity. “This group was full-on partying; I didn’t expect them to be down. But they laughed and cried and said it was the weekend’s most magical moment.” STAY PRESENT, SAY “I DO” You have something borrowed, something blue. Now you need something…balanced. “Have a mantra for the day,” suggests motivational speaker Christine D’Ercole. “It helps you see the big picture and not stress over little stu . I like to use these eight words to begin a mantra: I am. I can. I will. I do. Then complete the phrase with words that capture the ideas you want to carry into the marriage.” Repeating the mantra keeps you from “getting caught up in the fuss over place settings or desserts. It’s critical to the success of the event you’re celebrating.” You’ll also be in a much happier mental place if you do a quick gratitude list. “Take up to 15 minutes before the ceremony to get centered,” says Keledjian. “Breathe deeply and take in the excitement and the love surrounding you. It’s a great time to remind yourself of what brought you to that moment.” During the day, pick two moments when you can steal away to connect with your partner. “Express your gratitude for the love that you feel, even if it’s just for ve minutes,” say Bur- rows, who suggests ducking out right after the ceremony and then again after dinner. Should a crisis pop up and you start to “wander o into bridezilla land—thinking, I hate my hair!— place your hands on your heart, close your eyes, and slow your breath,” Schwartz says. Inhale through your nose for four seconds, hold the breath for four seconds, and exhale through your mouth for four seconds. “Give thanks for the celebration, then think of three things you’re grateful for about your spouse and three things you’re grateful for about yourself. Then open your eyes. This will shift your mood,” says Schwartz. “Nothing is prettier than happiness, so do this before going down the aisle.” If you can remember to do only one thing? Turn on your senses. “Smell your bouquet, feel the texture of your wedding dress, really listen, and take in what people are saying during the toast,” says Thea Harvey, a meditation teacher in L.A. “When you do this, you’re in the present.” Then stay there by eliminating distractions. Give your phone to a bridesmaid. Hands free, heart open! BALANCED MARRIAGE Mindfulness skills can help your relationship too. “Meditation is the best thing you can do for your marriage,” Schwartz says. “Petty things won’t bother you as much. The toothpaste cap left o ? Dishes in the sink? No problem.” You can strengthen your bond simply by being an active listener. “In my relationship, we try to put away our phones when we connect after a long day apart and be mindful of our time together,” says Burrows. Such pauses can make you less fraz- zled. “I have a lot more space between my reaction and the trigger,” she says. “I’m a better partner.” Still, your partner might not jump into all your rituals right away. “I grew up with a much more spiritual outlook than my husband did,” Mallis says. But after 11 years together, he recently picked up on self-care habits to “remain centered and present.” Mallis says, “I’m like, ‘Good bae!’ I think he’s just getting it.” 248 OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2017 BRIDES.COM BRIDES.COM OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2017 249
Tidy Up Your Relationship, The 5 Benefits of Marie Kondo’s Tidying Up Techniques That You Also Get From Imago Therapy
I caught the Tidying Up with Marie Kondo bug. Like so many, my family and I were enthralled by her Netflix series (now have a garage full of giveaway bags). On “The Late Show,” Stephen Colbert asked her why she thought so many Americans were captivated by her show. “People want to unclutter their hearts,” she responded. You can watch the segment [here].
The series goes into the homes of families who feel overwhelmed and paralyzed by their stuff. Like magic, Marie steps in and transforms their lives with the KonMari Method, not only tidying up their homes but their intimate relationships. As a marriage and family therapist and certified Imago therapist who specializes in couples, this caught my eye. Imago Therapy is a relational modality that focuses on intimate partnership.
During each episode, I witnessed couples getting closer and appreciating each other more, which was visible by the way they communicated with one another. The show illustrated how shifts in behavior can create desired change. Marie Kondon’s approach to organizing also doubles as relationship advice. In fact, it compliments my work as an Imago therapist at several turns. Using a proven formula makes the impossible seem doable.
Couples who once were at an impasse and could not imagine a way to move forward could do so by following manageable steps. As seen in the show, intimate relationships can dramatically improve. Her process helps couples deepen intimacy while tidying up the mess around them.
Here are 5 ways on how Imago Therapy helps Marie Kondo your relationships.
1. You can change
The show beautifully demonstrates how partners can continue to grow and change. It is essential to keep growing and moving forward in your relationship. Couples often come into my office wondering if people ever change. The answer is YES with a method. This show exhibits that positive modifications to behavior are possible.
In my work as an Imago therapist, I utilize a step-by-step structure called the Behavior Change Request. Within this format, partners stretch into their best selves. Our partner holds the blueprint for our individual development. Relationships are best when partners facilitate each other’s positive growth.
2. You have a vision
Together couples work towards a common goal to organize their home. They share a joint vision of the future. Their vision keeps them connected and on track even when they get stuck and find it difficult to change. Item by item, couples’ sense if the thing they are holding sparks joy and if they want it to be part of their future. They keep on task until their vision becomes a reality.
“We are working together on something that will definitely be life-changing,” beamed Wendy, an empty nester, from episode two. This process is similar to designing a relationship vision, a series of positive statements that describes your ideal relationship. A relationship vision is a powerful tool to bring your hopes and dreams into fruition. Read my husband and my HuffPost piece to construct your own here
3. You can manage your space
Couples learn how to manage their environment. It’s very common for couples to argue about the area they share. “The biggest fights we ever get into are over money and cleaning,” laments Kevin, a show participant in season one. Throughout the series, couples complain of feeling stressed out by their belongings. In organizing they reduce their anxiety. Anxiety causes disconnection in relationships. When anxiety lessens, couples can enjoy each other more.
Each item finds a place in the home creating more ease and calmness for the inhabitants. Partners also take responsibility for their own clothing and knick-knacks. This is important for differentiation, which makes it easier to see and understand that you are two different people in one relationship.
Taking accountability is an invaluable skill within intimate partnerships. When you are accountable for your actions and their repercussions you create trust within a relationship and in yourself. When you stop blaming the other partner that’s when the transformation occurs. At one point, a participant begins to weigh-in on the significance of her husband’s shirt. “As a rule focus only on the clothes that belong to you,” Marie gently admonishes.
4. Communication
Couples who once argued about the clutter started talking about other topics and interests. Some even became more romantic. The constant battling ended when a system was integrated into the house that managed the chaos.
In the last episode, Alishia and Angela admitted, “The bickering declined.” They also shared how the process allowed them to get to know each other better. They learned why certain sentimental items were essential to their partner. These exchanges deepened the experience for all the participants.
In my practice, I teach a method of communication called the Intentional Dialogue. It provides a pathway for couples to communicate effectively through difficult conversations. The process is an opportunity for partners to be seen and heard. Seemingly impossible conversations occur because couples utilize the dialogue structure.
5. You have more time for each other
Couples found more time to enjoy one another when they were not bogged down by their clutter. Many complained of feeling swamped by their home. Some rooms were avoided because of the mess. The atmosphere in the house was tense, nothing seemed to get done, and items were difficult to find. This added to the stress.
However, their interactions changed after they integrated an organizational method leaving more time to laugh and love. Having successful systems in place makes life and relationships easier to manage.
As a marriage and family therapist, it’s an honor to share various relationship protocols from how to discuss difficult topics to repairing ruptures in the connection. These skills enable partners to be playful, creative and remember why they fell in love.
Couples uncluttered their hearts and re-discovered the daily joy of being together.
“My method of tidying not only cleans the surfaces of your home but helps you consider how you want to live and what kind of relationship you want to have with your family and friends and all the things that surround you,” Marie summaries.
Just like there is an approach for tidying up, there is a guide to improving your relationship and getting the love you want. The framework I use with couples is a step-by-step process that enhances connection. It teaches you how to move through conflict quickly and easily and live the relationship of your dreams.
Change is possible with a method.
Make Time For Sex
We have all seen the scene in the movie when a man and a woman become overwhelmed with passion, and they find themselves in a hurried embrace that leads to steamy, spontaneous sex. Those moments are erotic, but for committed couples, impromptu sex doesn’t often materialize. That doesn’t mean your sex life has to suffer on the contrary. Rather than waiting for impassioned desire, decide to learn the art and pleasure of sex. In doing so, you’ll improve your relationship and your overall health and wellbeing.
With our smartphones constantly at our command, it is challenging to get our undivided attention. At any given moment, we might be responding to a pressing email, reading a disturbing headline, or locked in an addictive video game. We are running our own individual movie in our minds and balancing competing desires throughout the day. Part of ourselves may want to watch TV; the other part may want to go to sleep. Our partner also has their own story running throughout the day. So it is not very likely that your partner’s mind and body are ready for sex at the same time as you. Since this is the case, it is helpful to plan your sexual rendezvous. In doing so, you and your partner can intentionally prepare and anticipate.
Schedule an indoor date. For example, set time aside on Friday night to be intimate. If you have children give them extra screen time so you can have alone time. Lock your bedroom door and luxuriate in each other. What your indoor date entails can vary from date to date. To get some ideas, view my earlier blog on creating an erotic menu. Plan an evening that includes activities that you both desire. In the planning process, you can learn about yourself and your partner, your turn-ons and turn-offs, and particular fantasies.
Another approach is the 72-hour date. No, it’s not a date that lasts 72 hours, although that would be nice. Instead, you let your partner know you are interested in having sex, and then you plan on having sex 72 hours later. Anticipation builds and allows you both to prepare to be intimate. Sometimes this approach elevates the pressure of having sex immediately.
Sex therapist, Amy Color, recommends using a candy dish to communicate sexual interest. You place an M&M in a bowl to let your partner know you are interested in some sugar, meaning sex. Different types of candy represent desired sexual acts. Have fun with your partner as you match up candy with your favorite turn-ons.
Life without sex becomes withered, tired, and drained. The joie de vivre is lost. Without sex, life becomes mechanical and boring. Sex brings the spring. It is the breath of the relationship and gives it life and dimension. It creates energy and excitement rather than resentment and indifference. In a landmark relationship study, researchers found that sexual satisfaction was one of the main components that predicted a person’s happiness in their partnership. When you give yourself to your partner, you solidify your bond. You fulfill the relationship pack and fully show up. Your brain registers each positive interaction you have with your partner reprogramming you for pleasure.
Sexual intimacy allows you to discover more about yourself and your partner and experience ecstasy in the process. It produces the euphoric high of exercising because orgasms release endorphins and give you a sense of wellbeing. There are several health benefits to having sex. It boosts the immune system, strengthens the heart, and produces a calming effect that is more effective than Valium. It also increases your libido. When you have sex, you want more sex. Sex can help you release stress and help you sleep.
Prioritize your intimacy and plan indoor dates. Cultivate a Yes attitude around sex and your health, and your relationship will benefit. Determine that sex is a valuable and vital part of your partnership and schedule your intimacy. Indoor dates will bring the spark into your relationship, and you’ll feel younger and more vibrant. Remember check out some indoor date ideas here. Enjoy!
Slow Sex Down with the 5 Senses
“Go five times slower,” the New York Times quoted @sexwithemily, author and sex educator on how to have better sex. How do you slow down in sex? To master the experience, you need to move your awareness into your body. The body is where you feel pleasure. By arousing the five senses, you can assist yourself in feeling desire and cultivating sensual experiences. By identifying the gifts of each sense, you can deepen your lovemaking experience. You first need to hone your awareness of each sense to enhance your lovemaking. The five senses are taste, touch, sight, hearing, and smell. Slowing down in sex and improving the experience by engaging the five senses can lead to a deeper and more pleasurable connection with your partner. Here are some ways you can focus on each sense to cultivate a more sensual experience:
Taste: Explore the sense of taste by savoring a glass of wine together and indulging in sensual foods like strawberries and chocolates. Take it further and play with whipped cream and karma sutra body honey dust. Take your time to enjoy the flavors and the sensations.
Touch: Emphasize the sense of touch by engaging in slow, sensual caresses and massages. Use different textures such as silk, feathers, or massage oils to heighten sensitivity. Pay attention to the entire body, exploring erogenous zones and using varying degrees of pressure and speed to enhance pleasure. To learn more and cultivate your sense of touch, try our guided couples meditations.
Sight: Create an appealing visual ambiance by setting the mood with soft lighting, candles, or dimmed lamps. Use visually stimulating elements such as sexy lingerie, erotic artwork, or a strategically placed mirror to enhance the visual experience. Maintain eye contact with your partner to deepen the emotional and intimate connection.
Hearing: Incorporate the sense of hearing by playing your favorite sexy songs, spa music, or your partner’s voice to create an arousing atmosphere. The sounds of moans, whispers, or gentle sighs can add an extra layer of intimacy. Communicate with your partner, expressing your desires and actively listening to their cues and feedback.
Smell: Engage the sense of smell using scented candles, essential oils, or incense to create a sensual ambiance. Experiment with fragrances known for their aphrodisiac properties, such as lavender, jasmine, or ylang-ylang. Take deep breaths to fully immerse yourself in the scents and let them enhance your experience.
Slowing down and incorporating the senses are crucial for enhancing sexual experiences. Being fully present and in the moment can heighten pleasure and create a deeper connection with your partner. Pay attention to your and your partner’s sensations, fostering open communication to ensure both of you are comfortable and enjoying the experience. Variety in sexual scenarios and repertoires is essential for maintaining desire and keeping the spark alive in a relationship. By discussing and planning for intimate indoor dates that engage the senses, couples can explore new possibilities and safely embrace a more embodied experience. You can unlock new levels of sensual pleasure and intimacy by delighting in each other’s sensory systems and taking the time to individually and jointly delight in the senses.
Savoring Sensuality: The Enchanting Delight of Aromas
The sense of smell is a powerful yet often overlooked aspect of our sexual experiences. It has the ability to evoke memories, trigger emotions, and enhance our perception of pleasure. Here are some further insights into the sense of smell in the context of sexuality:
Arousal and Attraction: Smells can be highly evocative and can play a significant role in sexual attraction. Certain scents, such as pheromones, can naturally increase arousal and desire between partners. Pay attention to the scents that attract you to your partner and vice versa, as they can enhance the overall sexual chemistry.
Sensual Ambiance: Creating a fragrant ambiance can elevate the mood and enhance the sensual experience. Consider using scented candles, incense, or essential oils in the bedroom to create a pleasant and inviting atmosphere. Scents such as lavender, jasmine, ylang-ylang, or sandalwood are known for their aphrodisiac properties and can promote relaxation and arousal. One study of menopausal women found that aromatherapy improved sexual functioning and menopausal anxiety and depression (Mojtehedi, Pourmehr, Ostadrahimi, et al., 2022).
Memory and Emotional Associations: Smells can trigger powerful memories and emotions. By incorporating scents that have positive associations for you or your partner, you can create a deeper emotional connection during sexual encounters. For example, using a fragrance that reminds you of a special moment or wearing a scent your partner finds particularly appealing can enhance the overall experience.
Sensual Products: Numerous sensual products are available that incorporate pleasant scents to enhance sexual pleasure. From scented massage oils to perfumed body lotions, these products can add an extra dimension of sensory delight to your intimate moments. Experiment with different scents to find what resonates with you and your partner.
Mutual Exploration: Engage in a mutual exploration of scents with your partner. Take turns blindfolding each other and using scented objects or foods to stimulate the sense of smell. This can create anticipation, surprise, and heightened sensitivity as you explore the scents together.
Everyone has their scent preferences, so it’s important to communicate and respect each other’s boundaries. Be mindful of sensitivities or allergies to certain scents and choose safe and enjoyable products for both partners. By incorporating the sense of smell into your sexual experiences, you can add a unique and pleasurable dimension to your intimate connection.
Sensual Touch
Touch transcends the mundane, enabling couples to experience physical pleasure, profound intimacy, and an unspoken connection. As a matter of fact, touch is vital for our survival. Babies perish if they are not held even if they are given proper nutrition. Many couples are touch starved. Consequently, their relationship suffers. Don’t deny yourself the delights of touching through melting hugs, intertwined fingers, and gentle embraces.
Schedule time with your partner for a sensual opportunity to explore and heighten your experience of touch. Together, play with these suggestions:
Sensitivity and Exploration: The skin, our body’s largest sensory organ, is teeming with nerve endings. Approach touch mindfully and deliberately to uncover new erogenous zones and varying degrees of sensitivity. Experiment with different textures such as silk, feathers, or massage oils. To escalate the experience, try blindfolding yourself and feel these textures anew.
Variety and Techniques: Enhance pleasure by experimenting with various types of touch and techniques. From light caresses to firm pressure, altering the intensity, speed, and pattern of touch can elicit a spectrum of sensations, building anticipation and intimacy.
Non-Genital Touch: Expand your exploration beyond sexual touch by focusing on the entire body’s responsiveness. Delve into less obvious erogenous zones like the neck, ears, inner thighs, abdomen, or back. Observe the unique responses and gratification derived from these areas.
Communication and Consent: Recognize that touch is deeply personal, varying from person to person. Effective communication is paramount. Engage in open discussions about preferences, boundaries, and desires with your partner. Seek and provide feedback to ensure the shared touch is mutually enjoyable and consensual.
Sensual Massage: Incorporating massage into your sexual experiences can be a powerful way to engage the sense of touch. Take turns massaging each other with sensual oils or lotions, paying attention to areas of tension and relaxation. This can create an increased sense of intimacy, relaxation, and pleasure.
Emotional Connection: Touch goes beyond physical pleasure; it can deepen emotional connections. Cuddling and holding hands nurture closeness and connection with your partner. The power of touch extends to positively influence emotional well-being.
By exploring the various facets of touch, couples enhance their physical connection and deepen emotional bonds. Each person has unique preferences regarding touch, so prioritize open and honest communication to create intimate moments that are consensual, comfortable, and pleasurable for both partners. To safely incorporate touch into your relationship, check out our carefully crafted step-by-step guided audio meditations, The Pleasure Meditations for Couples, to guide you through the progressive stages of physical connection, from safety and relaxation to heightened phases of erotic arousal.
Sex, Alchemy, and Marriage
This article bridges the field of sex and couples therapy with Jungian psychology. By linking sex therapy to the realms of play, creativity, fantasy, imagination, and spirit, it offers fresh perspectives on sexual experiences within committed relationships. It explores matters of the unconscious and transference between romantic partners and how these relate to the relationship between an analyst and a patient. Drawing inspiration from Carl Jung’s The Psychology of the Transference, this thesis examines the psychological and erotic significance of the Rosarium Philosophorum, a collection of alchemical woodprints from the 16th century, in conjunction with Jung’s concepts. The essay amplifies Jung’s perspective by comparing it to Imago Relationship Therapy, a couples counseling modality. It posits that the Rosarium Philosophorum may provide the formula for a fulfilling, vital, erotic union. The integration of Jungian psychology with sex and couples therapy reveals a novel yet ancient framework for understanding and enhancing intimate relationships.
I vividly remember reading Carl Jung’s The Psychology of the Transference (1954/1974) while airbound to Costa Rica on a family vacation. Suggested by my husband when I expressed an interest in Jung’s use of alchemy, this tome, originally extracted from Jung’s Collected Works, resonated with my role as a certified Imago Relationship tTherapist, where I discovered striking parallels between committed couples and the therapeutic relationship between therapists and clients. Recognizing that couples also experience transferences and possess the power to aid each other’s healing and individuation, I delved deeper into Jung’s insights. Indeed, Jung himself acknowledged this phenomenon in his essay “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship”(1954/1977), illuminating how transference manifests within married couples and describing how their union serves as a platform for personal growth and psychological projection resolution.
Later, as I embarked on my PhD dissertation in clinical sexology, I revisited The Psychology of the Transference, where Jung used alchemical wood prints to explain transference and the relationship between consciousness and unconsciousness, intentionally overlooking the explicit sexual dimension in the imagery. Through the lens of sex therapy, I embraced the erotic nature inherent in these ancient depictions. In so doing, I unearthed an integrated model of couples and sex therapy that may hold the key to an elusive treasure—the philosopher’s stone.
Reexamining the 16th-century images magnified their significance as I acknowledged their explicit and sexual essence. This integrative approach to couples therapy possesses the possibility to heal both the relational and erotic aspects of committed relationships while also liberating our sexuality from the shadows, leading to a more integrated sense of self. It may even reveal a pathway to unlocking our highest potential.
This treatise delves into the interplay between Jungian psychology, alchemical imagery, and contemporary couples and sex therapy. It sheds light on the intricacies of transference, individuation, and the opportunity for growth and transformation within committed relationships. Blending ancient wisdom and modern insights enriches and enhances our understanding of the human psyche and sexuality.
Jung employed alchemy as a psychological metaphor to elucidate the individuation process—a psychological journey toward an integrated and unified personality—achieved by addressing and resolving unconscious conflicts (Jung, 1954/1974; American Psychological Association, n.d.-c). Jung’s exploration of transference demonstrates how uncovering unconscious material fosters personal growth and wholeness (Jung, 1954/1974). Transference within the therapy room occurs when a client projects unconscious wishes and emotions previously directed at significant figures in their lives, such as parents, onto their therapists (American Psychological Association, n.d.-d). Conversely, countertransference encompasses the therapist’s conscious and unconscious reactions to the client’s transference (American Psychological Association, n.d.-b). It includes the thoughts, emotions, and needs that arise within the therapist in response to the patient’s behavior and psychological content. To elucidate this dynamic, Jung drew inspiration from 16th-century block prints known as the Rosarium Philosophorum (Jung, 1954/1974). I invite the reader to form interpretations and associations with this wood print (see Figure 1). The reader is encouraged to engage in the Jungian process of active imagination with the image and ask themselves, “How am I affected by this sign?” (Jung, 1960/1981, p. 89). Such an inquiry is part of the process of making the unconscious conscious. The answer to the question can provide valuable insight to consider, assimilate, and possibly generate a new attitude or transcendent function (Jung, 1960/1981).
As I reviewed these alchemical images, I felt my own shame wane as I accepted myself as a sexual being. The wood prints enabled me to embrace sexual intercourse as a transformative and spiritual experience within a historical Western context. These revelations empowered me as a clinician to guide couples to connect more deeply in a profound way.
Alchemy
In the twilight of his life, Jung found himself captivated by the enigmatic world of medieval alchemy (Stein, 1992; von Franz, 1980). Alchemists, encompassing the roles of doctors, philosophers, mathematicians, artisans, and astronomers, were heralded as the pioneers of chemistry. However, alchemy in the Western tradition also carried mystical and occult associations. While its origins trace back to ancient Egypt, the practice proliferated through the Muslim world, India, and China (Holmyard, 1957; Schwartz-Salant, 1998). As it evolved, alchemy assimilated Greek philosophical principles into Egyptian techniques (Keyser, 1990). Often shrouded in secrecy, alchemists embarked on experiments involving the amalgamation of metals, with many pursuing the elusive quest to transmute lead into gold or transform “base metals” into “noble metals” (Keyser, 1990). The underlying aspiration was to refine raw materials and elevate them to a state of purity and perfection. Yet some alchemists delved beyond the physical realm, seeking to refine and advance both the human body and soul (Fraser, 2007; Guiley, 2006; Holmyard, 1957). Thus, alchemy became a vehicle for personal metamorphosis—a sacred technology (Fraser, 2007; Guiley, 2006; Keyser, 1990).
Central to alchemists’ formulas were powerful symbols representing the union of opposites, providing insights into the changeability of relationships (Schwartz-Salant, 1998). These symbols, such as the sun and moon (sol and luna), the eagle and toad, and the king and queen, serve as gateways to the collective psyche, revealing the intricate interplay of transformation within relationships (Willard, 2015).
Among these symbolic representations, the “sacred marriage” between the king and queen was significant in alchemical teachings. Their erotic union symbolized the combining of chemical substances, metaphorically referred to as “bodies” (Stein, 1992; Willard, 2015). Alchemists were deeply captivated by the concept of coniunctio, the mystical erotic union, as it offered a framework for comprehending their elaborate work with compounds and matter (Stein, 1992).
This thesis explores how this ancient alchemical symbolism can apply to couples and sex therapy. These medieval images uncover the nature of modern-day relationships and their untapped potential. As couples navigate and negotiate their differences, the alchemical maxim of blending “opposing” base metals to create gold stands as a compelling metaphor. This maxim normalizes and illuminates how differences forge something more precious and formidable.
An inquiry into the ancient alchemical symbolism unveils the hidden possibilities within intimate relationships and serves as a guide toward fulfilling personal and relational growth, liberating sex from reductionism and dualism. Rather than viewing sexuality as merely a physical impulse or confining it to rigid binaries, a holistic understanding recognizes it as an integral aspect of human existence. This expanded perspective acknowledges the innate spiritual nature of sexuality and its capacity for personal transformation. By embracing a more expansive view of sexual intercourse, individuals and couples can cultivate a harmonious integration of their physical, emotional, and spiritual selves.
The Psychology of the Transference
The Psychology of the Transference, initially published in Zürich in 1946 and later translated into English as part of Jung’s Collected Works, explores alchemical woodcut prints known as the Rosarium Philosophorum (Edinger & Blackmer, 1994). The prints were published in 1550 in Frankfurt by an anonymous author (Willard, 2015). The Rosarium Philosophorum, meaning “The Rosary of the Philosophers,” comprises a collection of symbolic pictures intended for contemplation, akin to a rosary (Schwartz-Salant[VV2] , 1998, p. 231). Engaging with these images offered viewers a revelatory understanding and meaning on a psychic level (Edinger & Blackmer, 1994). Additionally, the Rosarium included a poem, with sections attributed to Zosimos, a Greco-Egyptian alchemist from the 4th century who authored the earliest known books on alchemy (Fraser, 2007). Zosimos viewed himself as a devoted proponent of an ancient, primordial alchemical tradition (Fraser, 2007). We will not herein explore the poem but only focus on the Rosarium imagery.
Within The Psychology of the Transference, Jung examines ten Rosarium illustrations that depict the relationship stages between king and queen archetypes. The woodprints commence at the Mercurian Fountain, representing the beginning of the alchemical journey, and progressively display a courtship between the king and queen. The ensuing illustrations document their sacred union through marriage, followed by disrobing and bathing, symbolic of the purification process. The series climaxes in fornication, culminating in their merging and integration as a unified entity. According to Jung, the king and queen archetypes symbolize the integration of conscious and unconscious aspects of the individual’s psyche. The king represents the conscious, rational, and assertive qualities, while the queen represents the unconscious, intuitive, and nurturing aspects. Together, they symbolize a balanced psychological state (Jung, 1954/1974).
The alchemical symbolism associated with the king and queen archetypes further enriches Jung’s understanding of therapeutic transference. Freud initially introduced the concept of transference, describing it as the client’s tendency to project feelings and emotions onto the therapist based on past relationships (Freud, 1920/1989, p. 550). Both Freud and Jung recognized transference as a vital component of the healing process in therapy (Jung, 1954/1974; Stein, 1992). Jung’s approach to psychological healing involved integrating conscious and unconscious aspects of the individual with the therapist’s guidance. Transference, the basis for analytic psychology, served as a mechanism to achieve integration, leading to a new attitude or transcendent function (Jung, 1960/1981, pp. 73–74).
The therapist-client relationship shares similarities with the dynamics commonly observed in romantic partnerships (Jung, 1954/1977). Jung’s work reveals how therapeutic content can activate and transform both therapist and client, a process applicable to couples as well (Jung, 1954/1977). Couples, like therapist-client dyads, often find themselves entangled in unconscious and conscious dependencies, reenacting dynamics from childhood (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021). In Jung’s (1954/1977) essay “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship,” he explores the dynamics of marriage and their significance within the context of psychological development. According to Jung, marriage induces personal growth and individuation, the process of integrating and reconciling various aspects of one’s psyche (Jung, 1954/1977). Jung argues that the goal of a healthy marriage is not to eliminate conflicts nor achieve a perfect union but rather to create a container for psychological growth (Jung, 1954/1977).
Jung also referred to the sacred marriage images as the divine “brother-sister pair” (hieros gamos), evoking the incest archetype (Jung, 1954/1974, para. 455). Incest, for Jung, symbolized union with oneself, individuation, and the next stage of development, when projections are integrated. Physician and Jungian -analyst Robert Stein goes further and defines hieros gamos as the archetype of romantic love, —an embodied, erotic soul connection (Stein, 1993). Stein (1993) explains, “This moves the soul’s need for union, which is at the core of the transference phenomena, away from the parent-child archetype toward a transference model based on the equality and mutuality of the brother-sister pair” (p. xvi). The concept of the brother-sister pair offers a transformative shift from the unconscious and regressive parent-child dynamic that often plagues committed couples. Instead, it symbolizes a more equitable, conscious, and erotic union between partners. The brother-sister model moves away from relational power imbalances and towards creating equality and deeper levels of intimacy. This symbol is my North Star, guiding my clinical work as an Imago Relationship therapist with couples.
Imago Relationship Therapy
“Imago Relationship Therapy” is a psychodynamic therapeutic modality for couples that strives to form conscious, equitable, loving partnerships through a range of techniques and processes. It maintains a theoretical foundation similar to Jungian philosophy: the psychological integration of unconscious projections leads to individuation and wholeness (Jung, 1954/1974, Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). Imago accomplishes this within romantic partnerships, aligning with Jung’s assertions in his essay, “Marriage as a Psychological Relationship” (Jung, 1954/1977). Imago’s theory goes beyond Jung’s perspective, however, and provides a practical and more detailed understanding of how childhood wounds consciously and unconsciously influence adult romantic selection and interactions (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). The dynamics of a love relationship can vary depending on the timing and severity of the most significant and painful childhood wounds (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021).
The term “imago” derives from Latin, meaning “image” (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021). Jung used the word “imago” to explain “feeling-toned” complexes, constellations of related concepts or ideas that impact individuals’ reactions and perspectives, often unconsciously (Jung 1956/1976, p. 44, American Psychological Association, n.d.-a). Imago Relationship Therapy adopted this term to represent the composite image that romantic partners form based on their earliest caretakers—typically their parents—which impacts their mate choice and shapes their romantic love relationship. Partners are unconsciously drawn to each other when they encounter positive and negative traits reminiscent of their parents, a phenomenon called an “Imago-Match” (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). Within the context of their romantic relationship lies an unconscious inclination to reenact the emotional drama of their childhood wounds in the hope of meeting unfulfilled emotional or physical needs (Hendrix & Hunt, 2021). Jung (1956/1976) also explained how such unconscious material can resurface:
“The repression leads to regressive reactivation of an earlier relationship or type of relatedness, in this case the reactivation of the father-imago. “Constellated” (i.e., activated) unconscious contents are, so far as we know, always projected; that is, they are either discovered in external objects, or are said to exist outside one’s own psyche.” (p. 59)
Jung’s ideas of “imago” included the “father-imago” and the “mother-imago” (Jung, 1956/1976). He explained how the repressed conflict reappears in projections. Within Jungian philosophy and Imago, recognizing and integrating unconscious childhood projections can lead to personal and relational growth (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). Jung believed that through the mechanism of transference, which he associated with the alchemical mercury, patients could uncover and assimilate their projections, leading to an expanded sense of wholeness, freedom, and joyful aliveness (Jung, 1954/1974). Helen LaKelly Hunt, co-founder of Imago, identifies the “Imago Dialogue” as the mechanism that leads to the transcendent function and dissolves projections (personal communication, January 12, 2024). Imago Dialogue is the alchemical mercury and offers couples a safe and effective structure to listen, validate, and empathize with each other, thereby healing their conscious and unconscious childhood wounding that reappears in their relationship conflicts (Hendrix & Hunt, 2019, 2021). The dialogical structure cultivates a more equitable form of communication rather one that is hierarchical. It enables couples to truly hear and see each other.
By elucidating the complex dynamics of romantic relationships and their connections to childhood experiences, Imago Relationship Therapy offers a valuable framework for understanding and facilitating healing in couples as Jung proposed. Integrating Jungian principles further enriches this therapeutic approach, emphasizing the transformative potential of exploring unconscious projections and the pursuit of wholeness illustrated by the 16th-century Rosarium woodprints.
Sex Therapy
In his exploration of alchemical symbolism, Jung approached the woodprints of the Rosarium Philosophorum not from a sexual perspective but rather as symbolic representations. However, considering the sexual interpretations of these illustrations casts new avenues for understanding on how committed couples can evolve and grow through sexual intercourse. By reinterpreting these prints within the context of sexology, the meaning of sex expands beyond mere physical pleasure and reproduction. Unlike traditional sex therapy, which focuses primarily on curing dysfunctions, this perspective recognizes sex as a means for enhancement and even transcendence. It acknowledges sexual intercourse as an essential element of committed unions and a spiritual experience. Through intercourse, the king and queen go through a powerful metamorphosis. Stein posits that romantic relationships can only evolve when there is a spiritual connection in sexual union (Stein, 1993, p. 180).
The integration of sexology with depth psychology reveals the archetypal nature of sexuality. By exploring symbols, myths, fantasy, alchemy, and spirituality, our comprehension of sexuality becomes enriched and enlarged. Our internal sexual images determine our experiences (Stein, 1993, p. 180). Interacting with and interpreting sexual images becomes a therapeutic process that brings unconscious material to consciousness, facilitating insight and awareness.
Couples are encouraged to make conscious sexual choices rather than being entangled in automatic and unconscious reactions. Sex transforms into an artistic and sacred practice, similar to Tantra, which emerged from alchemy in the East (Guiley, 2006). By connecting sexuality to spirituality and archetypal images, individuals and couples can enhance their sense of self, overcoming perceived limitations and faults. They can engage in the Tantric practice of divinity role-playing, which enables them to tap into their inherent god-like nature, elevating their self-esteem and promoting higher levels of consciousness.
In the Office
Stephanie and George, a couple undergoing therapy in my Santa Monica practice, embarked upon an alchemical transformation that enabled individuation and reignited an erotic connection. Both were dedicated parents to two young boys while holding down full-time jobs, but Stephanie felt overwhelmed as she believed all household responsibilities were placed upon her. In contrast, George felt criticized and controlled, reluctant to assist with household chores. These perceived roles strained their marriage, creating tension, minimal affection, and infrequent sex.
The first phase of therapy focused on addressing their resents towards each other and resolving unconscious projections. Using the Imago Dialogue structure, Stephanie and George shifted from their intractable stances by listening rather than provoking each other. They realized their dynamic felt similar to interactions they respectively experienced as a children with their parents. Stephanie connected her feelings of being overwhelmed as an only child and latch-key kid, where her parents put an inexorable responsibility on her shoulders. At the same time, George unearthed memories of feeling persistently criticized by his mother, where nothing he did met her standards. Their exploration of these childhood wounds led to a deeper empathy for each other, moving from arguments into seeking understanding. Stephanie and George learned to negotiate household tasks calmly and collaboratively as their therapy progressed. They integrated rather than reacted to their unconscious content, invoking a “transcendent function,” as Jung (1960/1981) would say (para. 131).
Despite communicating more effectively, their physical connection remained lacking. When couples get along, they often live parallel lives and do not reengage sexually. As we broached this part of their relationship, I made it clear that perfunctory or obligatory sex were not options, and instead presented sex as a regenerative force that would brings fun, passion, and vitality to themselves and their union.
To begin, I suggested taking sexual intercourse off the table, as there is nothing less sexy than demanding sex. Stephanie had to feel comfortable saying “no” to sex in order to be able to say “yes,” which brought an equal balance to the relationship as represented by the king and queen alchemical wood prints. Additionally, I addressed the narrow perspective of sex primarily revolving around physical penetration so often seen in American couples. I sought to broaden their understanding of intimacy as a mutually pleasurable and spiritual experience.
Encouraging them to designate a dedicated weekly time to reenact moments of sensuality became a turning point of our sessions. Scheduling time together lowered their anxiety because they no longer wondered when they would have sex. As we reintroduced sexuality into their relationship, we explored ways of infusing these moments with stated preferences and creativity. We charted an avant-garde course by identifying their “turn-ons,” stimulating their imaginations through suggestions of role-play, and facilitating open discussions around their sexual fantasies.
Introducing the idea of sexual archetypes, I explained how, during role-playing, they could safely act out sexual transgressions that were arousing and tantalizing. They could also heighten their experience by taking on the roles of gods and goddesses, bringing a spiritual element into their eroticism. This evolution transformed “sex” into what they termed “Sexy Time,” a fluid and multi-dimensional experience that included penetration sometimes, but also explored a wide array of sensual encounters beyond it.
Through this expansion and redefinition of intimacy, Stephanie and George reconnected with each other and themselves. They encountered their relationship in a new light, breaking free from the confines of their previous perceptions and experiencing a deeper connection and greater mutual pleasure.
Perhaps the philosopher’s stone is the formula for a long-lasting, satisfying, and erotic union. By interpreting alchemical symbols as intricate guides akin to the practices of Indian Tantrism, couples can embark on a transformative journey, fostering personal growth and relational harmony (Guiley, 2006). The cryptic and often misunderstood nature of alchemical symbology in the Western context has perhaps veiled a fascinating and dynamic sexual history. Biases within Western academia have contributed to the neglect of this secret sexual history, leaving it largely unexplored and poorly understood (Bogdan & Starr, 2012). Unearthing these concealed aspects could revolutionize Western perspectives on sex within marriage, prompting a reevaluation and newfound appreciation for the developmental and transcendental expansiveness of marital and sexual experiences.
In fusing Jungian psychology and Imago Relationship Therapy with alchemical sexual symbology, an innovative framework emerges, offering holistic and integrated therapeutic interventions. Through my close examination of the Rosarium Philosophorum woodprints, I not only cultivated greater self-acceptance and personal pleasure but also forged a more fulfilling, erotic, and spiritual union with my husband. This process empowered me to guide couples in my clinical practice toward experiencing a deeper, more equitable, intimate connection and intimacy than they ever deemed possible. Sex has the ready-made potential of becoming a process of interactive, interpersonal active imagination, pushing the personal over an archetypal edge, swirling transference and counter-transference between couples in an ever-expanding container of transformation. As we combine alchemical symbolism, Imago Relationship Therapy, and Jungian psychology, personal and relational metamorphosis becomes conceivable and achievable.
FURTHER READING
American Psychological Association. (n.d.-a). Complex. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/complex
American Psychological Association. (n.d.-b). Countertransference. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/countertransference
American Psychological Association. (n.d.-c). Individuation. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/individuation
American Psychological Association. (n.d.-d). Transference. In APA dictionary of psychology. Retrieved January 11, 2024, from https://dictionary.apa.org/transference
Bogdan, H., & Starr, M. P. (Eds.). (2012). Aleister Crowley and Western esotericism. Oxford University Press.
Edinger, E. F., & Blackmer, J. D. (1994). Mystery of the coniunctio: Alchemical image of individuation: Lecture studies in Jungian psychology by Jungian analysts. Inner City Books.
Freud, S. (1989). Introductory lectures on psycho-analysis. W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. (Original work published 1920)
Fraser, K. A. (2007). Baptised in Gnosis: The spiritual alchemy of Zosimos of Panopolis. Dionysius, 25, 33–54.
Guiley, R. E. (2006). The encyclopedia of magic and alchemy. Infobase Publishing.
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2021). Doing Imago relationship therapy in the space-between. W. W. Norton and Company, Inc.
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.
Holmyard, E. J. (1957). Alchemy. Penguin Books Ltd.
Jung, C. G. (1974). The psychology of the transference (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1954)
Jung, C. G. (1976) The hymn of creation (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). In H. Read, M. Fordham, G. Adler, & W. McGuire (Eds.), The collected works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 5, pp. 39–78). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1956)
Jung, C. G. (1977). Marriage as a psychological relationship (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). In H. Read, M. Fordham, G. Adler, & W. McGuire (Eds.), The collected works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 17, pp. 187–201). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1954)
Jung, C. G. (1981). The transcendent function(R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). In H. Read, M. Fordham, G. Adler, & W. McGuire (Eds.), The collected works of C. G. Jung (Vol. 8, pp. 67–91). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1960)
Keyser, P. T. (1990). Alchemy in the ancient world: From science to magic. Illinois Classical Studies, 15(2), 353–378.
Schwartz-Salant, N. (1998). The mystery of human relationships. Routledge.
Stein, M. (1992). Understanding the meaning of alchemy: Jung’s metaphor for the transformation process [Speech audio recording]. C. G. Jung Institute of Chicago. http:/jungchicago.org/blog/understanding-the-meaning-of-alchemy-jungs-metaphor-for-the-transformative-process/.
Stein, R. (1993). Incest and human love. Spring Publications, Inc.
von Franz, M. L. (1980). Alchemy: An introduction to the symbolism and the psychology. Inner City Books.
Willard, T. (2015). Beya and Gabricus: Erotic imagery in German alchemy. Mediaevistik, 28(1), 269–281. https://doi.org/10.3726/83024_269
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As the fires raged in Los Angeles, I found myself crying in Duane’s arms. The fear, uncertainty, and enormity of the moment felt overwhelming. Yet, in that embrace, I rediscovered solace, connection, and the strength to carry on.
During catastrophes like the Palisades and Altadena fires—or any period of intense stress—couples can find grounding and healing in each other’s arms.
To navigate these trying times, take a moment to hold each other. Start by asking, “Can I hug you?” and allow yourselves to embrace, relax, and lean into one another. Hugs are not just gestures of comfort; they are a biological lifeline. A prolonged hug, lasting more than 20 seconds, releases a cascade of hormones, including serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins, that improve mood, reduce pain, and calm the body. In moments like these, connection becomes your greatest ally.
The Science Behind Hugging
When intense stress strikes, your body’s fight-or-flight response takes over: heart rates accelerate, cortisol levels spike and anxiety builds. This natural reaction helps us respond to danger but can also lead to relational tension. Hugging, however, can interrupt this cycle and promote calm, connection, and healing.
Here’s what happens when you embrace your partner:
Oxytocin, often called the “love hormone,” is released, generating feelings of safety, trust, and emotional closeness while reducing corisol levels.
Endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, are released, helping to soothe physical discomfort and enhance emotional well-being.
Serotonin and dopamine are neurotransmitters that regulate mood increase, which can combat anxiety and depression and improve overall happiness.
Hugging is more than physical touch. They are a source of comfort and a reminder you’re not alone.
Sexual Fantasies in Couples Therapy: The Art of Encouraging Erotic Imagination
As adults, we tend to focus on managing our work schedules, running our homes, and caring for others. In the process, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut and lose our sense of fun and adventure, especially when it comes to sex. As every couples therapist knows, this rut has the potential to unravel our romantic relationships. Luckily, we don’t have to ditch our daily roles and responsibilities to reenergize our partnerships.
“Fantasy and friction make for a great sex life,” sexual health pioneer Helen Singer Kaplan famously said. But when therapists address couples’ sex lives, we sometimes overfocus on everyday realities—Who initiates sex? How often? Could you establish a date night? What do you need to feel receptive to one another? Are there underlying resentments we need to look at? These questions are worth discussing, but so is another, less talked about, more internal and creative source of erotic energy: partners’ sexual imaginations.
Through my own experiences as an Imago Relationship and AASECT-certified therapist, I’ve learned to explore sexual fantasies to unlock partners’ imaginations and help them cultivate intimacy. I’ve stumbled many times as a therapist navigating my clients’ sensitivities and misconceptions about sexual fantasies, which are often shrouded in guilt and shame—making them relational land mines. Each clinical gaffe I’ve made has helped me adjust my approach and work to understand my clients’ perspectives better, even as I seek new ways to transform potential land mines into sources of creativity and intimacy. This was the case with Juan and Estella, a distressed couple I saw recently, for whom sexual fantasy was a taboo subject.
Dreams We Have While Awake
The atmosphere in my Santa Monica therapy office sizzles with electricity—and not the good kind. Juan, a former Navy Seal in his mid-40s, sits across from his wife, Estella, a past beauty pageant winner, who currently works as a broadcaster on a local news channel. Like many couples, Juan and Estella sought counseling because they struggled to connect emotionally and physically. Juan’s recent erectile dysfunction had intensified their challenges. The physical closeness they’d once shared had become awkward, leaving them frustrated and bristly. This isn’t uncommon: once the romantic phase of a relationship ends, many couples struggle with desire.
Earlier in the session, we’d spoken about what their sex life had been like before Juan’s challenges keeping an erection. Juan had explained that he gets anxious right before he comes because he doesn’t want to fantasize about anyone other than Estella in those moments.
“It’s okay to have sexual fantasies about someone else,” I say nonchalantly.
“Wait, what? How can you say that?” Juan asserts emphatically, furrowing his brow. “That’s cheating!”
I notice that Estella reacts, too, frowning as her cheeks and neck redden.
“Are you saying Juan should think about other women while having sex with me?” Her voice is chilly. Despite her diminutive physical size, her presence is formidable, and my chest tightens. The truth is their reaction surprises me. I’ve never considered extradyadic fantasies as constituting unfaithfulness, but I can see that by inadvertently offending one of their relationship values, I’ve elicited defensiveness. But I’ve learned something, too. Is this part of what’s at the root of their sexual difficulties? Do Juan and Estella fear and misunderstand the nature of sexual fantasies, which can be a potent driver of desire and arousal?
“Estella made me promise to think only about her during sex,” Juan continues, his gaze shifting toward his wife. “So now I only think of her.”
“If Juan thinks about someone else during sex,” Estella interjects, with a mixture of sadness and anger, “it means I’m not enough.”
“First of all, your feelings and perspectives are valid,” I assure them both. “But thinking of someone other than your partner during sex isn’t just common: it’s natural. It doesn’t necessarily reflect a lack of commitment or desire in the relationship. Many people imagine others during foreplay or sex with their partner.”
“That’s a relief to hear,” Juan says. “I guess you’d know. Thing is, I become so preoccupied with the fear of thinking about someone else that I actually end up losing my erection with Estella. We both get frustrated and give up. And I feel like I’ve failed her.”
“When he loses his erection,” Estella says, “I can’t help but take it personally. I begin telling myself, ‘He no longer finds me attractive. If he did, he’d stay hard.’”
From the beginning of my work with any couple, I make a point of addressing sexuality directly. I want to convey my own comfort level discussing desire, the body, and arousal, to help them share their sex life openly with each other. Throughout my sessions with Juan and Estella, I gauge the level of their anxiety. Anxiety dampens sex drive and arousal. Hopefully our conversation serves as a bridge—a channel through which their unspoken fears and struggles can begin to surface, creating an opportunity for deeper understanding, connection, and pleasure.
“Juan, would you judge yourself for the dreams you have while sleeping?” I ask.
“Of course not,” he responds, looking puzzled. “I can’t really control my dreams.”
“Sexual fantasies are kind of like dreams we have while we’re awake,” I explain. “Often, they arise involuntarily, particularly during sex. Fantasies reside in the realm of imagination. Attempting to control this part of your psyche with judgment can stifle joy and pleasure. What if, instead of feeling threatened by fantasies, you were curious about them? What if you shared your fantasies with one another? Or even cultivated them together?”
“I don’t know.” Estella shifts backward in her chair and crosses her arms over her chest, forming a literal barricade against the conversation we’re having.
“His commitment and attraction center on you,” I say, hoping to reassure her that it’s okay to imagine and explore possibilities; her attachment to Juan is safe. But it’s clear she feels uneasy and skeptical. “You and Juan have chosen each other as lovers. Remember, many of the fantasies we have aren’t about things we plan to do in reality. Sexual fantasies don’t have to diminish your bond. What if they actually enhanced it by infusing your relationship with novelty and intimacy?”
I’m aware that I’m talking a lot, probably because I’m a little anxious myself, but something must have landed with Estella, because she uncrosses her arms and sighs.
“I’d like to feel more relaxed in bed,” Juan says. He scans Estella’s face, and exhales.
They both seem to be recalibrating and taking in what I’ve said. Many people need reassurance that there’s nothing wrong or abnormal about them simply because they have sexual fantasies. Learning that sexual fantasies are a healthy aspect of sexual functioning can help lower a couple’s anxiety.
“I’ll try my best not to worry so much about what you’re thinking,” Estella says.
“Here’s my recommendation,” I say. “Over the next week, would you be willing to set aside three minutes each day to cultivate a sexual fantasy about each other? Let it be naughty, kinky—whatever. Don’t judge it; just allow it to unfold in your imagination.” Read More
