They hadn’t had sex in eleven months.
As Aubrey and Nate sat across from one another in my office, the absence of intimacy felt almost tangible—like a heavy weight pressing down on both of them and the space between them. Though they had been married for six years, the ease and warmth that once connected them had quietly slipped offline. There was a palpable distance in the room.
Both were busy professionals—successful, intelligent, and deeply engaged with life—yet seated together, they appeared tense and withdrawn. They avoided each other’s eyes, studying the floor instead, as though eye contact itself might expose something too tender or too painful to name. Young, fit, gregarious, and stylish, they nevertheless felt guarded, weary, and disconnected.
They told me that after so many months without sex, they no longer knew how to find their way back. As time passed, intimacy began to feel uncertain and risky. Sex became something abstract—something they used to do, not something they could imagine doing again. The silence around it grew heavier with each passing week.
Nate shared that he initially tried to initiate connection—small bids, gentle invitations, quiet reaches for closeness. When those bids went unmet or unnoticed, disappointment accumulated. Eventually, he stopped trying. What once felt hopeful began to feel exposing and futile.
When a Couple’s Sex Life Goes Offline
This is a pattern I see often with long-term committed couples—both heterosexual and same-sex couples alike. A couple’s sex life rarely disappears because of a single rupture. More often, it slowly goes offline due to busyness, stress, uncertainty, and the quiet accumulation of missed moments.
During dating, sex is anticipated—after a candlelit dinner or a weekend getaway. Couples make time for it. But once partners are living together—balancing careers, children, health concerns, and daily responsibilities—they often assume intimacy will simply happen. Without explicit conversations about when and how to connect, it frequently doesn’t.
Aubrey and Nate hadn’t lost love or desire for one another. They had lost the structure, safety, and shared language that make intimacy possible. In the absence of sex, something else had taken root: distance, self-protection, and resignation.
What they needed wasn’t a dramatic solution or a quick fix. They needed a way to gently and intentionally re-enter intimacy—together, without pressure.
Why Scheduling Intimacy Helps
Couples who sustain a satisfying sexual connection over time make a conscious decision: physical intimacy matters, and it deserves care and attention. At Harvey Center for Relationships, I began working with Aubrey and Nate by asking whether they were both willing to tend to this part of their relationship. They both said yes.
Modern life is full of distractions—demanding jobs, children, smartphones, and endless responsibilities. With so much competing for attention, spontaneous sex becomes increasingly unlikely. At any given moment, one partner may be answering emails while the other is emotionally or physically depleted. The chances that both partners feel relaxed, present, and erotically available at the same time are slim.
Because life is complex, scheduling intimacy is often essential. Otherwise, sex frequently doesn’t happen at all.
Putting Sexy Time or an indoor date on the calendar—just like any other meaningful commitment—helps couples protect their connection. Scheduling does not make sex mechanical or unromantic. In fact, it often allows couples to relax, prepare, and show up more fully.
In my work, I help couples think through practical logistics—choosing times when they have more energy, minimizing distractions, even deciding what the dog will be doing so attention isn’t pulled away. For some couples, this also includes thoughtfully timing medication, such as Cialis, to reduce anxiety and support ease. These details matter because emotional and nervous system safety are often prerequisites for desire.
Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
Many couples worry that scheduling intimacy means forcing something that isn’t there. This concern is usually rooted in a misunderstanding about how sexual desire works.
We often assume desire should be spontaneous—a sudden spark that appears out of nowhere and leads naturally to sex. While some people experience desire this way, especially early in relationships, many adults in long-term partnerships do not.
For many people, desire is responsive. Responsive desire emerges after connection has already begun—after feeling emotionally close, relaxed, and safe. It doesn’t start with “I want sex.” It often begins with “I’m open,” “I feel connected,” or “I’m willing to see what happens.”
When couples wait for spontaneous desire before initiating intimacy, sex often fades. When couples intentionally create the conditions for connection—through scheduled time, lowered expectations, and non-demand touch—desire frequently follows.
Understanding this distinction can be deeply relieving. A lack of immediate desire does not mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. It often means desire needs the right context to awaken.
Expanding the Definition of Sex
Scheduled intimate time does not need to end in orgasm—or even include intercourse.
Healthy couple sexuality is flexible and expansive. Erotic connection can include sensual touch, oral sex, mutual caressing, vibrator play, erotic conversation, fantasy, or simply lying naked together. These experiences build closeness and pleasure without pressure.
When couples expand their definition of sex, intimacy becomes less fragile. As bodies, energy levels, health, and preferences change over time, couples with a wider sexual repertoire are better able to stay connected.
Rather than scheduling “sex,” I often encourage couples to schedule Sexy Time—intentional time devoted to connection, curiosity, and pleasure. Some dates may be playful and erotic; others may be tender and restorative. On low-energy days, couples may engage in “lazy sex,” such as resting naked together.
As a recurring date, Sexy Time becomes something couples continually explore, learn from, and return to. It offers opportunities to work through sexual difficulties, awkwardness, shyness, and insecurities because partners have repeated chances to play, practice, and grow together.
When intimacy is measured by presence rather than performance, couples often feel safer, more relaxed, and paradoxically more open to desire. Releasing the pressure to perform, initiate perfectly, or achieve a particular outcome allows partners to settle into their bodies—and into each other.
The goal is not performance, but presence.
Creating the Conditions for Desire
Scheduling Sexy Time also opens the door to meaningful conversations about intimacy. Talking about sex—what feels good, what doesn’t, what one longs for, and what gets in the way—reduces shame and misunderstanding. Feeling emotionally known and accepted supports erotic openness.
Couples can further enhance intimacy by intentionally shaping their environment. Small changes—soft lighting, music, comfortable bedding, and removing distractions—signal to the nervous system that it is safe to relax and receive pleasure.
Engaging the senses helps partners move out of their heads and into their bodies, where desire lives. Touch, sound, scent, taste, and visual cues all contribute to arousal and aliveness. Novelty and curiosity help sustain sexual desire over time. Planning for Sexy Time enables couples to intentionally create their Sexy Space. For something novel, you could try a Nuru Massage. Check out these blog posts to get more ideas with the Erotic Tasting Menu and the Sex Store Date.
Finding Your Way Back
It is healthy—and expected—for partners to have different sexual rhythms and preferences. When couples approach intimacy with flexibility and curiosity rather than pressure or obligation, connection becomes possible again.
Scheduling Sexy Time helps couples rebuild intimacy, foster anticipation, and reclaim sex as something shared and intentional. When couples protect space for pleasure, intimacy becomes less fragile and more sustainable.
For Aubrey and Nate, the path forward wasn’t about fixing something broken. It was about rebuilding safety, structure, and shared intention—so intimacy could return gradually and organically.
If you recognize yourself in their story, know that you are not alone. With care, guidance, and intention, it is possible to bring intimacy back online—often in ways that feel more fulfilling than before.