We’ve all been there—flooded with rage, muscles tight, seeing red. Something your partner says, does, or fails to do sparks a conflict, and suddenly, the interaction escalates. Emotions take over. Physically and neurologically, your body shifts into a state of fight, flight, or fawn. In this heightened state, you lose the ability to respond relationally.
Brain scans reveal that when we’re under threat, we shift into the “reptilian brain”—the oldest part of our brain responsible for survival. From this place, we react impulsively, defensively, and instinctively—rather than thoughtfully and with emotional regulation. Words exchanged in these moments can cut deeply. Though spoken in seconds, they can echo for years in a relationship, leaving wounds that are hard to forget.
At the Harvey Center for Relationships, where we specialize in couples therapy, relationship counseling, and conflict resolution tools, we offer couples a powerful strategy to prevent long-term damage during high-stress moments: The Recess.
What Is a Recess?
A Recess is a conscious, compassionate alternative to the classic “time-out.” While “time-out” can feel punitive—evoking childhood shame or a sense of detachment—Recess is a collaborative pause. It’s a break with the clear intention of returning. It signals care: for the relationship, for yourself, and for your partner.
A Recess creates space to self-regulate, reflect, and come back together from a more grounded, emotionally available place.
Steps for Taking a Recess
1. Recognize the Signs
Call a Recess when you notice signs of dysregulation: clenched muscles, shallow breathing, rising anger, or the urge to lash out or shut down. These are indicators that your nervous system is overwhelmed, and a pause is necessary. A Recess helps de-escalate conflict before lasting damage occurs.
2. Name the Need
Say something like: “I need to take a Recess and reset. I’ll circle back soon.” Once a Recess is called, stop the exchange. Step away, not out of rejection, but out of care. You’re acknowledging that continuing would likely cause harm—whether through words, tone, or withdrawal.
3. Take Care of Yourself
Use this time to soothe your nervous system and tend to your well-being. This is your Recess—take a walk, eat a nourishing meal, hydrate, rest, shower, exercise, or talk to a friend. The goal is to regulate, not ruminate. As relationship coaches, we remind our clients that emotional self-care is relationship care.
4. Reconnect Gently
Once calm, check in—via text if needed: “I’m feeling more grounded. How about you?” This gentle re-entry helps avoid reigniting the conflict too soon. A good rule of thumb: check in after an hour. If you’re both ready, move toward reconnection; if not, extend the Recess with care and clarity.
5. Stay in Contact
If you need more time, say so: “I’m still not ready to talk. Can we check in again at [specific time]?” A Recess is not emotional stonewalling. It’s a relational tool. Staying in contact prevents abandonment wounds and preserves trust.
6. Return Mindfully
When you come back together, speak from a calm, centered place. The goal isn’t immediate agreement—it’s mutual understanding. Can you hear your partner’s point of view without becoming overwhelmed or reactive? If not, call another Recess. Some issues may require support from a licensed couples therapist, especially if the same topic repeatedly leads to conflict.
At the Harvey Center for Relationships, we help couples navigate high-conflict dynamics through customized relationship therapy, premarital counseling, and sex therapy sessions—available both in-person and online.
The Purpose of the Recess
The Recess protects your relationship from emotional injury. It’s a pause—not punishment, not withdrawal, and not avoidance. It creates the space for healthier conversations and deeper emotional connection.
Ask yourself:
– What was my reactivity really about?
– What might have been triggering for my partner?
In the Imago Relationship Therapy model, conflict is seen as growth trying to happen. The Recess gives you both the opportunity to grow rather than wound—by reflecting instead of reacting, and coming back with intention rather than impulse.
Co-Creating a Recess Protocol
Share this post with your partner. Talk about how and when to use a Recess. What language will you use to call one? How long should it last? How will you stay in touch?
Creating a shared protocol helps both of you feel safer when the emotional intensity rises. It’s part of the relationship advice and structured strategies we teach in our practice to help couples move from reactivity to repair.
Looking for Support?
At the Harvey Center for Relationships, we offer:
✔️ Couples counseling
✔️ Marriage counseling
✔️ Premarital counseling
✔️ Sex therapy
✔️ Imago Relationship Therapy
✔️ Relationship coaching and conflict resolution tools
Whether you’re looking to improve communication, rebuild trust, deepen intimacy, or learn how to fight fair, we’re here to help.